Jokes

[CompKillaz]

Nuns and Hot Dogs
Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

VIPs
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I notice Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said,

"Hi Chris, what's happening?"

To which I replied, "Buzz off Gates, I'm in a meeting."


Experience
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."


Cow Milking
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.

The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.


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[CompKillaz]

Clearing Out
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock cricket game.

Advice
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Sausages
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.

Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.

Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

Deadly Food
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in New York City.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes that there are germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." said the dietitian.

The man lowered his head and responded, "Wedding cake?"

[mwbintacoma]

another joke

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
 

[CompKillaz]

lmao...  nice

[CompKillaz]

Always Look Busy
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.

If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

In the Army Now
The U.S. has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:

YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:

YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded:

YES SIR.

For Northerners Moving South
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

- Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive

- Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

- Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

- Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

- In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

- If you do settle in the South and have children, don't think that they will be accepted as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Packers Fan
There was a Packers fan with a really lousy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

[CompKillaz]

Odd Animal Laws
- French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

- Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

- Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

- In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

- It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

- Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.

- Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

- In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

- In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

- You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

- In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."

Observing the Baby
Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Heartburn
"Doctor, I seem to get heartburn whenever I eat birthday cake."

"Have you tried removing the candles first?"

Grading The Essays
A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."

A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.

The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"

[CompKillaz]

Burst Pipe
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Health Club
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

Old Family Physician
The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son - a recent medical student. When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.

"My boy," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you, but Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."

Strange Animal Laws
- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

- It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

- Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

- In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

- In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

- In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

- In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

- In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

- In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

- In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

[CompKillaz]

Recent Quips from Late Night
"Yesterday we were talking about John McCain's recently released medical records. 1,200 pages covering all the diseases he's had in the last eight years from A to Z. From acute oldness to Zabar's elbow. That's a repetitive motion injury, caused by excessive shmearing. ... Fair is fair, so today, Barack Obama released his medical records detailing the last 21 years, and this is them, I kid you not [on screen: Stewart holds up one sheet of paper]. A one-page letter from Obama's doctor stating that the senator -- and it is to whom it may concern -- [is quote] in excellent health and, continuing quote, on physical compassion his blood pressure was 90 over 60, pulse 60 beats per minute, his build was lean and muscular with no excess body fat. His chest was smooth and hard like the hood of a Mustang. As I watched the dewy beads of moisture glisten on his corrugated stomach, I was thankful this was my last appointment of the day. With trembling hands, I held up his urine sample to the light. There was sedimentation. Anyway, it ends there. My point is, come on. What is he, Achilles, for God's sake? He's got a problem in his heel, that's all I could find." --Jon Stewart

"Nation, yesterday, Democratic party lawyers found that Michigan and Florida must forfeit at least half their delegates for breaking DNC rules and holding primaries early. Michigan responded by changing its shape from a mitten to a angry mitten [on screen: a doctored map of Michigan with a 'middle finger' at the top], while Florida just became limper [on screen: a doctored map of Florida, with the tip of the state drooping to the left]. The decision sets the stage for more Democratic chaos. ... This Saturday, the Rules and Bylaws Committee of the Democratic National Committee -- it is a committee of the committee -- will decide what to do about the Florida and Michigan primaries. As you may recall, all the frontrunners agreed not to campaign in those states, and all of them pulled their names from the Michigan ballot, except for Hillary Clinton. Then, huge surprise, Hillary won Michigan! Not, of course, [that] it would ever count [on screen: audio of Clinton saying Florida and Michigan votes won't be counted]. Then, 23 states later and trailing Obama, Clinton added [on screen: audio of Clinton saying the Democratic Party must count the Florida and Michigan votes]. Now, some say this is inconsistent. But I say she's being remarkably consistent in saying whatever it takes to win." --Stephen Colbert

"But here's how I explain it. Come with me on the journey, if you will. Imagine that we had never gone into Iraq, that this president had taken immediate and effective action on Katrina, gas was like 99 cents for low-test, and Cheney had never been born. Just imagine that. And then look at these pictures. Look, hey, it's president doing the Heisman, a little ring a ding ding, oh, kiss, kiss, blow, blow, and of course, the old power flick [on screen: montage of photos of Bush at the graduation]. ... But of course, he did (screw) things up. So it all just seems asinine." --Jon Stewart

Necktie
My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

Undergraduate
One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"

To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

North vs. South
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

[mwbintacoma]

Funny Jokes...keep it up...

here's another one

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

[CompKillaz]

i got 1 for ya....

Q: why did the blonda go into the clinic to get a abortion?

A: she didn't know if it was her baby or not

[clint08]

That one is old


Your momma is so poor that she goes to KFC to lick other peoples fingers!

[CompKillaz]

lets get off mommas cause i just got off of yours!!!!!!!!!!! lmao now that one was old

[CompKillaz]

An Easy Enough Mistake
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Learning Today
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Pronouns
Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.

Billy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

Feel Better Now
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

[CompKillaz]

Wanted Man
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

Finish What You Start
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Emotional Extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Things You Never Hear in Church
- Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

- I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

- Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

- I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

- I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

- Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

- I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

- Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

- Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

- Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

[CompKillaz]

Brandy to the Rescue
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

What's in a Name
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

Escaped
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman.

"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer."

"The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith."

The third said "My name is Ken... Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!"

Sentimental Golfer
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”