Husband spends more time with friends than family

[slacomb]

I am so freaking mad right now. First instead of spending New year's eve with our daughter, his mother and me he goes to the bar with his friends and comes home at 2:30 in the morning just to pass out. Now today he left at 10 o'clock  this morning to get stuff to make tacos and see about renting a ps3 from rent a center and here it is 6 o'clock and he is yet to come. Called him earlier and he was at a friends house and he'll be home when he gets home. I love him with all my heart but every time he does this it hurts me. Any ideas how I can tell him without seeming whiny or like I don't want him having fun. I mean I do want him to have fun but why can't his fun include us.

[slacomb]

Please any ideas

[Penwoir]

Oh dear! I am sorry to hear of your story. I'm mainly sorry because I used to live in a situation similar to that. My situation was different in the sense that I didn't have any children, but similar in the sense that my husband would always prefer to be with his friends on important nights of the year, and actually at non-important times too. He would typically go out drinking on Friday nights, most Sundays and sometimes he didn't get back until 2-4am. I found this unforgiveable because I specifically recall on one of those occasions my sister and her husband were visiting with us for the weekend, and he went out drinking with his friends without us! I'm afraid I felt so strongly, even after 9 years of marriage, that this was unacceptable and I deserved better, and so I left him. He would come home smelling badly of booze, was very short tempered, and then the next day when he was more sober, he would be quietly submissive. I felt I deserved to be a priority in his life, and if not in his life, someone else's life! So as I say, I left him. That was 10 years ago and I have since moved on to marry someone else, have two sons and am in a marriage which I deserve. Now I've got to be honest, if I had had children in my first marriage, I would have thought more seriously about my future, I would have taken longer to make my decision. Whatever you decide though, you should know that you and your child deserve to be happy. You deserve to be in a relationship where everyone feels valued. You should start with a serious chat (when he is sober) to discuss each of your priorities. Marriage is a compromise. But when there are kids also there needs to be more sway toward the family than the friends. If you are not worth a compromise to him, then I think you need to reconsider your options.  Be strong. Let me know how it goes on this thread.

[Cbsteffen]

That's not the way a husband should behave. Don't mess with him anymore if you can't reason with him.

[elvisdo]

I have a feeling he's trying to assert his lost independence. While it's good he's spending time with friends, he's not understanding that he needs a balance between that and his family life.

[autumnsparklemom]

So sorry for this. He needs to get his priorities straight. I am married and my husband is not like this. Maybe some marriage counseling may help. Even maybe his mother needs to speak with him if not all ready.

[sak4kat]

I stuck out a marriage with 3 kids for 12 years before we split.  My final straw involving our kids is to personal to share in a discussion board.  My scenario was similar.  I remember how scared I was telling me I wanted a divorce.  I was alone regularly, pregnant at the time - and longing for a husband.  A man that meant when he said his vows I and his children would be a priority. 

[slacomb]

Well see his mom has tried talking to him but it didn't seem to make a difference. Like he said that he thinks he's turning into a alcoholic and I want to try and help him but I don't know how.

[BlackSheepNY]

Well see his mom has tried talking to him but it didn't seem to make a difference. Like he said that he thinks he's turning into a alcoholic and I want to try and help him but I don't know how.

I have to say that if this is the case, there is no help for him unless HE takes the initiative to fix it.  He's a grown man and there's nothing, besides suggestions, that any family member can do to get him in treatment.  You're either going to live with it and "enable" him to continue, or you're going to put your foot down and tell him point blank you and your child can't live with this and leave.  If he chooses not to recognize that there's a problem, in the end, he'll bring you and your daughter down, too.  It's up to you how much you can take, how long you want your daughter in an unhealthy and sad environment, and how long you'll wait for this to change.

[ricdsm]

There is very little that will cure selfishness.

[slacomb]

I am going to try to talk to him again and tell him how it makes all of us feel and see if it makes any difference will let y'all know if it makes any difference.

[bremer51]

You do all that you can do, and then he has to make the decision and take matters into his own hands. He has to be a grown up.

[kimber62372]

Seems like he's going thru a mid-life crisis or something. How old is he if you don't mind me asking? You should really confront him and be truthful of how you are feeling. He may think it's whiny but tell him it's hurting your feelings and if has no compassion or morals towards your feelings then if he was my husband I would tell to to hit the road and to have his friends cook for him and give him good lovin'! Just what I would do and say, but you have to do what is right in your heart. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Penwoir]

It's interesting to note here that everybody that has responded feels pretty much the same way. I think a great place to start is therapy. I wouldn't mind betting your partner will be indifferent about the suggestion of therapy, at best, because it takes some of his personal time away. It is very convenient for him to stay away for hours knowing both his child and his mother are cared for - he is really taking advantage of your very good nature. That being said, you do have a child to consider so it is important to think carefully about your options.

[sak4kat]

Tough Love.  Sometimes when you love someone so much want to do everything and anything to make things right.  You pull in other family members.  You talk until you're blue in the face.  All the while you're miserable because you never feel like a priority.  When I left my first husband (an alcoholic) I told him and his family he had a rough road ahead and I wasn't going to be around to cover up for him any more.  It was probably the toughest decision I ever had to make.  That was 9 years ago... and although he hasn't changed much... I'm so glad I did what I did as I was able to let go and grow personally rather be consumed by his addiction.  Praying for you.