How long should a widow man wait to find a partner?

[marcar1008]

I love my brother in law like if he was my real brother.

 He came to visit my house with his two kids for the first time since my sister passed. He loved my sister very much and was there for her to the last min. My sister lost the battle against cancer.

After a night out with the family coming home he stayed behind outside talking on the phone. At first I didn't know he was on the phone so I texted him if he was ok since he wouldn't come inside. He said yea he is fine and will be in in  a bit. Anyways in the morning he tells me he was talking to this girl "friend" and shows me a picture of her on his phone.He says she is a very good friend I met, she is going through a divorce, she is a nurse, has 2 kids and she is 44 yrs old. Something to keep my mind off things, he says. This hit me hard ! I got confused upset, just didn't know what to think. It had been only like 5 weeks since my sister was gone. Since this was a visit with his kids I didn't want to make a big deal out of this.Once he got home thats when we started arguing.

After a few days being miserable. I know he felt real bad, he said I made him feel like trash and was not eating. I also felt very bad. Then my sister and God gave me signs that it was OK ! I now understand my nephews need someone to care for them and my brother in law too. Nothing will bring my sister back and I know nobody will replace her but I feel bad for little Mathew who is only 8 years old  What else could I ask for, ? God is sending a nurse      I am now at peace  thank you Lord.

I know it will be very awkward to meet her but I will be fine.

[braggin]

I had the exact same situation where I lost my sister to cancer and her husband started seeing someone within a few months of her death. I felt very bad about it until I realized that some men just cannot make it on their own and they really need a partner. So I stopped worrying about it and never said a word to him about it.

[countrygirl12]

So how long has it been?  The way you say it to me it sounds like this was right after the funeral.  These days most are already dating with in a few weeks and some are already married again with in a few months.  And every one judges them harshly.  Do you know if your sister and BIL talked about this?  If she knew she was going to die they may have talked about him finding someone else.  Although, I would prefer, if it were me, that he wait until my body was stiff before he had a new girlfriend.

[dogsleash]

My mother remaried after 3 month at the time i could not believe it but now I realize it was for teh best . she needed some one to help her and love her. I now feal each person is different if they are happy then go for it ... Life is to short to wait.

[marcar1008]

countrygirl12 - I mentioned it had been like 5 weeks since my sister passed.

I don't think they talked about him finding someone else. They were High School sweet hearts and we always prayed for her to get better. Nobody had plans on the what if....

[Nancy5]

I can understand how you can feel the way you do, but it's his life.  You said he loved your sister, dating someone does not mean he doesn't love her anymore or is trying to forget her, he might be looking for a 'mother' for their children.  Yes, five weeks is short, but who are we to judge anyone unless we walk in their shoes.  Please don't hold grudges against him, always keep the door open for a good relationship with him and your sister's children.  My father was killed and my mom met and fell in love.  Before she married my stepfather she went to my dad's mom for her blessing and permission.  My grandmother told her to marry, that my dad would not want her to live alone and would want her to be happy.  And I bet your sister feels the same way.  God bless you and your family.

[debidoo]

Ok five weeks seems a little fast but it is til death do us part.  And, like you said nothing is going to bring your sister his wife back.  My husband passed in Jan 2013 and I have spent all this time still devoted to him and I am 62 years old.  I haven't dated or met anyone and I still miss my husband.  Your brother-in-law is young and has kids - I hope this woman will be good to him and the children.

[debidoo]

P.S.  What my point was is life is short and whatever happiness we can find I guess we should go for it.

[bremer51]

Five weeks seems rather soon, but I guess we can't judge without being in the same position your brother-in-law is in.  But its very understandable to be upset.   I feel the welfare of the children are most important and I believe you are accepting it in a mature way.

[aflyingmonkey]

Sorry for the loss of your sister.   My deepest condolences to you.

It seems odd that his mourning period was so short after your sister died, 5 weeks and already a girl friend.   In some cultures, it's a year of wearing black.  But alas, some people are just like that. They always need to have a partner & be with someone.   & here in America, it's anything goes...   

I'm sure the children are still grieving... you'd think he would be comforting & being there for his children not devoting his time to a new girl who has her own issues going through a divorce.   I hope it works out for the children's sake.  I feel bad for them, heartbreaking to lose a mother so young, heartbreaking to lose a mother period.

[vickysue]

I lost my son in 2001. My daughter-in-law whom I love very much never dated any one for a year in fact rarely went any where. We encouraged her to start. She dated one man  off and on for a while then she moved to the same town we live in and then she met the right man. Now they have been married a couple of years and we dearly love this young man. I am so glad for her. When God shows us the way it will come about.

[teresa3200]

It is similar to what happened when my best friend passed away while going through here treatment for leukemia. Our families were very close. Three weeks after she passed her husband was dating, I think he was looking even sooner. Everyone grieves in their own way but for the sake of the kids he should have waited. Their kids were 11, and 16. It was rough on the 16 year old daughter. She ran away from home(not far, she came to me) but she was distraught. She was still grieving her moms passing, she needed her dad to grieve with her, not be happy without her. He dated a few women and I love the woman he is with now, and she is a wonderful mom to the youngest, who is 16 and still home. The daughter moved out as soon as she turned 18 and she is doing fine now. But at the time the kids and their grieving really should have taken priority over his future happiness.

[sherryinutah]

Sometimes another person can be an important part of the healing process so I don't think there's a specific time that a grief stricken person needs to wait.

That being said, it's always, always, always a mistake for a person to rebound out of one ROMANTIC relationship into another. 

It's important for a grief stricken individual to take time to heal.   

[schoolvan]

I would say as long as he wants.

[bretay]

i would say when the timing is right for you...everyone is different..follow your heart