How Do You Deal With Negative Family?

[PGS28]

Ok, here's the deal.  A couple of years ago I completely distanced myself from most members of my maternal side of the family.  There are a few I still talk to, but for the most part I stay to myself.  A cousin I look up to says this is hurting my kids and is doing nothing to break the pattern of dysfunction in our family.  Although I get what he's saying, I'm not willing to risk my kids' livelihood (or my sanity) trying to help a bunch of people who thrive on gossip, hating, and all things negative.

Last night, I finally visited a paternal uncle I reconnected with on FB a month ago.  My aunt just moved in with him and I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone.  So I loaded up all the kids in the Navigator and off we go to some little house so far in the sticks my GPS stops working. I didn't mind at all. I'd heard my uncle's girlfriend get snappy on the phone in the background before, but I just chalked it up to her not knowing me and brushed it off.  We get there and they make comments I don't appreciate and I turn around just in time to see my uncle's gf whisper and giggle something to my aunt behind my back, who made it her business to inform me of something negative my dad said about me years ago when I gave birth to my first daughter one month after I turned( 17.

At that point, I said it was time to go.  They had the nerve to hug and compliment me on my body as I left and I concluded they are 2 faced just like the majority of the members on my mom's side.  So when I called my uncle to let him know we arrived home safely I told him that would be my last time visiting.  He was DEEPLY hurt.

Am I doing the right  thing??  I contemplated carrying on a separate bond with my uncle but I don't wanna cause problems with his gf.

[mrrangerrick]

Family should always be of utmost importance. I agree with you, don't put your children in harm's way, but you're making an effort and that's all you can do.

As far as your maternal's side, I'd write them a letter. Life's too short, let them know that you want to bring everyone together and become a family again.

Don't get discouraged.

Best of luck.

[PGS28]

Well I already tried to bond with my mother's side of the family before I decided to cut them off and that attempt is what led to my decision, but maybe I'll try again later on down the line when everyone has hopefully matured some.  Thanks for the input!

Family should always be of utmost importance. I agree with you, don't put your children in harm's way, but you're making an effort and that's all you can do.

As far as your maternal's side, I'd write them a letter. Life's too short, let them know that you want to bring everyone together and become a family again.

Don't get discouraged.

Best of luck.

[Timberlan127]

I am definitely a family oriented person. Family is forever and can be you're biggest support system. But in your case you have children to worry about . You need them to see family at it's best while they are growing up so that they have a good model for their own lives. A card or note to your uncle now and then will keep you in touch without exposure for your children. It will show that you care but are not willing to take on all the negative aspects of the relationship. Good luck!!!

[bremer51]

What is wrong with people....grown adults behaving so badly.  I can't imagine have a family like that.  You have gone the extra mile and it didn't work out.  You have your own family now and you can go from there. 

[ghunter]

I try to avoid them, but if it is a close family member, like an first cousin, aunt, uncle, grandmother, mother, father, try to be nice and repectful.

[PGS28]

Timberlan 127 The card is an excellent idea, thanks!!

bremer51 You'd be amazed at how many families carry so much dysfunction to the point where they don't see anything wrong with their behavior smh  Sad but true.

ghunter Thanks for the advice.  I try to always be respectful when I'm around them, after all I wouldn't want anyone disrespecting me nor would I want my kids to behave rudely toward anyone.  When certain people come over to my grandmother's house when I'm there visiting I promptly leave. I just don't like chaos, and I'm still glad I moved out of town because although the purpose was to place miles between us it has proven to be a good move for my overall state of mind.

It dawned on me as I was just grocery shopping that I forgot to tie the subject with the thread content:  How do you deal with negative people and do you adjust this method if the people that are being negative happen to be family members?
Thank you all for the GREAT input- different prospectives always provide more insight to the situation, even if I find myself to be in the wrong after analyzing all of it.

[msmoneybags48]

My mother's side of the family were not negative until lately.  My youngest sister did not want me in the house that my grandmother formerly owned.  She was Mama to me because she raised me.  She got reinforcements to get me out; when I left, I distanced myself from her.  The sister next to me (I am 5 years, 19 days older than she is) tried to get me to make up with her.  She hit a nerve when she said, "Well, you are the oldest sister" and my respyonse was that I was not going to brownnose (kiss her butt) to get along with her.   I saw her at a funeral (one of my cousins had died) and she hugged me.  I didn't want her touching me at all; after all, she has yet to apologize for what she did when I stayed in the house with her.   I met a man (my husband) and he didn't tell me until 2 weeks after we began dating that he used to "talk" to her (meaning platonic).  When my youngest sister found out, the word I got was that she wanted to slap me, and I wanted her to, because she was going to get her butt whipped that day.  She tried convincing him that I would break his heart; that has not worked.  In addition to that, she told people her intent was to break us up, and that did not work either.  We got married 20 months ago.  I have a brother in-law that got out of prison after 25 years.  He told me that my youngest sister came to him and told him I told her I liked him.  I was pissed because I have not spoken to her but twice in 7 years; the first time was to let her know that our uncle (my mother's youngest brother) had prostate cancer, and I could have beat her behind then because she was grinning in my husband's face.  She saw the two of us in the supermarket, spoke and flew down the hall so fast the wind was blowing.  His idea was to get us together, but he changed his mind.  Good thing too, because I would have told her off.  I ran into my sister next to me, and it turns out that our youngest sister was up to her hijinks again.  My brother in-law (my sister's husband) has been talking about church since I met him years ago.  He told my youngest sister she needed to stop being so hateful and go to a bible-based church.  She lied to my brother, who is her defender, that my brother in-law hurt her feelings and my brother wants to beat my brother in-law.  He stopped speaking to the sister next to me because, according to him,  "she cannot control her husband".  The silly thing is, she stuck her neck out and got him a job, where he talks to everyone but her.  I told her she needs to stop worrying about grown people (both he and my youngest sister are grown; he just turned 45 yesterday and she turned 42 last month) and take care of herself.  Since you brought up the subject about negative family, I wanted to give you a scenario of what I have gone through in the past 7 years.  I forgave her a long time ago, but I still would rather be in the room with a rattlesnake; when he bites you, the effects are instantaneous.

[PGS28]

msmoneybags I can definitely relate- maybe not to your extent, but my sister and I fell out about her coming to where I live (a 2 hour drive) and visiting a cousin of ours but not me.  She called me on my bday and we're on speaking terms again. 

I think when it comes to the point of wanting to throw blows it's definitely best just to keep your distance. That saying "sometimes family will do you dirtier than strangers" is absolutely true. 

[rpse1927]

i try to stay away from negitive families as much i can. it hurts me.

[mardukblood2009]

The only family members I talk to is my parents. I hate and avoid anyone else I am related to.

[Dynamite2013]

Years ago I had the same problem but I went on with my life and now 15 years later we are very close. So don't let it bother you it is their problem not yours and when they recover you will be friends.

[BlackSheepNY]

... trying to help a bunch of people who thrive on gossip, hating, and all things negative.

Wow, and here I was thinking I was the ONLY person alive who had to put up with that crap.  Although it's not MY family, it's my husbands family who does this.  A little story here:  I've been married 30 years.  Although there were a FEW good times with his family, I can honestly say for the most part that they are vicious hate mongers who not only hate their in-laws, they hate each other.  I pulled away from that LONG ago because these kind of people are never happy and we all know "misery loves company."  Yeah, well, find that company somewhere else.  Save yourself and your kids - RUN!

[janel217]

That's so sad to hear, I love family. It's not suppose to be like that. Your uncle may deserve another chance if he's willing ,his gf is not your family.But if it's important to him to have a relationship with you i believe he'll make a way. Life is to short for non sense , whats wrong with people? Ugh

[sanglee]

i would just stay away, just ignore it and you wont have to deal with them