Dealing with elderly parents

[samrhett2]

It is so frustrating dealing with my mom and dad.  They have lost the capacity to make good decisions, yet they won't listen to any advice.  I guess this is role reversal time.  My dad has plenty of money, but has gotten so bad that he routinely forgets to pay bills and gets late charges.  Then he wants me to call and try to get the late charges knocked off.  I feel bad for him but you can't expect them just to keep knocking off late charges because he can't remember to pay.

Then my mom calls me up all the time and complains about how worried she is because he is getting ripped off by every telephone solicitor that calls because they talk him into buying all kinds of stupid stuff like making him switch him life insurance that he had forever to some stupid accidental death policy.  I mean really bad decisions, yet she won't tell him that she is putting her foot down and handling it herself or getting someone else to.

So they want me to pick up the pieces, but they want to still control everything themselves.  I am so frustrated that I am almost trying to avoid dealing with them because this has gone on for years now and all my attempts to help get construed as me wanting to take over their lives and money.  How do you help someone who really only wants your help when they've made such a big mess that you can't fix it?

[Timberlan127]

I can really feel for you. That is such a tough situation when you love them but can't help. Would your Dad agree to automatic bill pay for his bills so he won't have to worry about paying them on time.That could solve part of the problem but I don't have any advice for the phone solicitors. I don't know if there's a way you could get those blocked. It's so hard to take care of the people who used to take care of us!! It's also hard to see what we're coming to in the future. I can definitely identify with your frustration. I hope some one else will have some good suggestions for you.

[sliebshner]

That's a tough one.  Is there anyone you can talk to?  I don't know if you have a local agency on aging that may offer some help.  Or maybe you could talk to a counselor for yourself--they may be able to offer advice and help you to deal better.  Best wishes.  It is commendable that you are really trying to help your parents.  Dealing with some similar issues myself.

[alice44]

We handled this situation by getting "power of attorney" and took care of paying all the bills ourselves.  Some banks will also help out by having bills sent to them.  There is a cost to that of course.  You might consider changing their phone number, or having them use a cell phone and get rid of the house line.  This would stop those calls for a while.  Maybe you could set up a specific time when your Mom can call you with all her "news".  It would be a time you set aside to deal with her and she would have to wait until that appointed time to have her conversation with you.  Maybe until you get things under control anyway.  I feel for you.  I will be on the senior end of this situation before long, and don't want my kids to go through what you are going through.  Be creative and firm.

[blondie71]

The only was that would get stop is if you take over as a legal guardian.  Than you would handle all the bills and people calling and taking your parents money. It my be called overseer of their funds.

[coreyw87]

Yes, it is very difficult when you get to the life stage where you are trying to deal with parents who don't want to lose control of their life but can't handle it.  My mom is still able to take care of herself but we went through this with my grandparents on both sides. 

[bhiett]

Call Adult Protective Services and explain the situation to them.  Exploitation of the elderly is a crime and they may be able to contact the companies that are soliciting and make them stop.  It may vary from state to state as to how far the caseworkers can go to intervene.  Once the current companies stop calling them, get their phone placed on the national "do not call" list.  This will have to be done from their phone.  Best of luck to you and your parents.

[Liquidfire_43]

It is very frustrating in dealing with parents. ESPECIALLY in technology.... My parents proclaim they only watch news, videos, and such they have no idea how to deal with spam, basic troubleshooting, updating software (like antivirus, java, and flash) and they always ask me to deal with it... I understand they need help on certain aspects but they have no capacity to even try or even learn

I also love how they pull up: "We are old, we don't need to learn this stuff" -_- (late 50 is not too old)... I can't wait for the day I troll my kids, preaching to always learn things and then pull a 180 and say "I am to old, to learn this stuff"

[Nancy5]

I feel sorry for you.  I went through this years ago.  Like someone said, I went to court and and guardianship of my mother (my dad had died years before).  This way I was able to take care of my mom's bills, medical decisions, etc.  It is a hard and sad decision to make, you become your parents parent.  The person who should be there for you no longer can make decisions for themselves.  There are resources you can use, Area on Age is one, look in your local phone book for other names and phone numbers.  As far as the phone, can you block the numbers?  If you can't do that maybe you could change their phone number, or try using the Do not call option, google it for the number to call, if it's the same number that's calling.  Good luck, my heart goes out to you, it's a hard thing to watch.

[Sweetpea1228]

I know where you're coming from. I recently relocated my family to help my parents out after my dad's stroke only to end up moving in with them after my mom became ill. It takes a toll on everyone.  Make sure to always make time for yourself and occasionally find someone to help out with them. (Another family member someone in your church a close friend or neighbor) It gets hard but we have to realize that our parents sacrificed a lot for us and we should do the same for them.

[6265AT99]

It is so frustrating dealing with my mom and dad.  They have lost the capacity to make good decisions, yet they won't listen to any advice.  I guess this is role reversal time.  My dad has plenty of money, but has gotten so bad that he routinely forgets to pay bills and gets late charges.  Then he wants me to call and try to get the late charges knocked off.  I feel bad for him but you can't expect them just to keep knocking off late charges because he can't remember to pay.

Then my mom calls me up all the time and complains about how worried she is because he is getting ripped off by every telephone solicitor that calls because they talk him into buying all kinds of stupid stuff like making him switch him life insurance that he had forever to some stupid accidental death policy.  I mean really bad decisions, yet she won't tell him that she is putting her foot down and handling it herself or getting someone else to.

So they want me to pick up the pieces, but they want to still control everything themselves.  I am so frustrated that I am almost trying to avoid dealing with them because this has gone on for years now and all my attempts to help get construed as me wanting to take over their lives and money.  How do you help someone who really only wants your help when they've made such a big mess that you can't fix it?

I feel for you.  I have a 91 yr. old mother and sometimes it's very difficult.  As far as the bills go, well automatic bill-pay is a good way to go and sometimes you can even have a Third Party listed with the company that needs to get paid so that if the original payor should "forget" you can get notified!!  In addition, there are ways for the company to "notify" you when the bill is due as well so you can "gently remind" your Dad.  Good luck in the endeavors!!!

[loulizlee]

I understand what you are going through.  I helped deal with my mother's problems when she became ill with cancer before she passed away.  I also know you are probably beyond patience, but, remember, we will all be there someday, if we live that long.  (What am I saying - I'm 70 years old!)  I am dealing with forgetfulness associated with aging (my doctor assures me), and it is very frustrating for me, at times.  I agree with the suggestions offered.  Try and see if there are any that fit your situation and that you can use.  BTW, are they on the Do-Not-Call list?

[keveland]

I can sooo understand what you are going through.  I recently had to move back in with my parents because of their health issues.  I have now become the cook, maid, bill keeper, gardener, doctor appointment keeper, driver, shot giver(my dad has diabetes), and all around miss do a little bit of everything for them. Yes, it seems like the roles are reversed and I wouldn't have it any other way. I want them to stay in the house they love as long as they can and I will be here for them every step of the way.  I have to admit there are some days I could use a drink but I just remember who they are. I wish you all the best in dealing with your parents, just remember, you always have a place to vent is you need to, the FC family definitely understands!!!!!!!!!

[vickysue]

so far my dad is able to fuction pretty well. We have have along 8 months. He had been in Alaska with my sister for four months befoe he came home. And he came home sick and for five months was on a walker and could barely walk. Well put him on a special diet and did all of the cooking. It was gout and really hard on an older person. Then his leg went. Dr. did a great oil change and he walked out oof the surgens office with out his walker and then had a blood vessel burst in his eye and now going through laser onit. But thank God we caught it in time. Man it taks time to get him well but i put him on the do not call list. And he understands that he is not to answer the phone unless he knows who it is on caller id. Who ever said these will be our golden years sucks.Because getting old does. I just turned 70 and it is getting harder to do for him. Oh well he is my dad.

[msmoneybags48]

You need to see a lawyer and have a judge issue you a Power of Attorney, giving you control over their money and bills.  I feel for the rough time you are going through.  But they took care of you and now you must try to take care of them.  Put them (at least you can try) on a "do not call list".  I can see you are overwhelmed by what is going on.  At least you are trying to help them.