MEN?

[djohnson43]

So why is it some men think it is alright to tease? Especially their own family. My husband is real bad about that. Sometimes it is all innocent but then there are times when it is very hurtful. My 18 year old and I are not small and willowy like the 10 year old. Okay so we both are over weight but my husband tends to call the two of us derogatory names. He knows that it upsets her when he does that. Especially when he does it when she first wakes up and comes out of her room. And then when I try to say something to him when he asks what's her problem (after she has slammed doors and starts screaming etc) he gets pissed at me because I say that I don't like him doing that to her. Specially when she has to leave for school. Then because he has put her in a surly mood he starts on me. I do love my husband and children with every fiber of my being and we are coming up on 22 years of marriage in a couple months and I've been over weight for most of that time. I guess it is in my DNA. He Just needs to stop. Any suggestions on How I can further verbalize that what he says hurts? :-  

[tangeladeyoun]

So why is it some men think it is alright to tease? Especially their own family. My husband is real bad about that. Sometimes it is all innocent but then there are times when it is very hurtful. My 18 year old and I are not small and willowy like the 10 year old. Okay so we both are over weight but my husband tends to call the two of us derogatory names. He knows that it upsets her when he does that. Especially when he does it when she first wakes up and comes out of her room. And then when I try to say something to him when he asks what's her problem (after she has slammed doors and starts screaming etc) he gets pissed at me because I say that I don't like him doing that to her. Specially when she has to leave for school. Then because he has put her in a surly mood he starts on me. I do love my husband and children with every fiber of my being and we are coming up on 22 years of marriage in a couple months and I've been over weight for most of that time. I guess it is in my DNA. He Just needs to stop. Any suggestions on How I can further verbalize that what he says hurts? :-  

I hope you feel better today. I think it seems it starts with your husband and you may need to take some counseling.Maybe you can bring it up in a way that you know he can think about it. You know how sometimes when the same song and dance can become comfortable even though its painful or you know what the outcome is going to be it may feel comfortable even though its bad. You know that he will not stop his approach when you do it the same way every morning. Try to find another approach with a professional, not that anything is wrong with you, but that your husband may be feeling the same feelings he is inflicting on his family. Whether you have a weight problem or not, He has somethings that he needs to starighten out. I think you should find a new different approach with professional counseling to get to the heart of the pain he is feeling and what he can do about it. Hope you feel better and hope things get better.

[samrhett2]

I wouldn't call that teasing.  I would call that verbal abuse and bullying.  Your daughter is at a terribly hard age for any kid, let alone those that might be struggling with weight.  She needs the support of friends and family.  If you can't depend on support from them, what do you have?  If kids at school were talking to her the way he is would you do something about it?  I don't know what you can do because usually bullys don't change.  I suspect he has been like this a long time.  I would put my foot down and say that you absolutely will not stand by why he continues to belittle your daughter to try to destroy her self confidence.  If he continues, I would get some counseling on how to best handle it and I would get your daughter counseling, too.  Chances are that he won't go and get help because people who demean others about their appearance always think that the other person is the problem.  

[sak4kat]

I agree...that is certainly verbal abuse and bullying.  I feel so sad for your daughter and you for having to hear that all the time.  It's not right that your husband takes it upon himself to crush the self esteem right out of the two of you.  Having extra pounds on is hard enough to deal with let alone the comments that come along with it.  22 years.  YIKES.  I hope most of those years didn't include the behavior your speak of.  I hope you've already addressed your feelings with him on this issue.  If he's arrogant, ignorant or just plain to immature to recognize what he's doing than you may have some tough decisions to make.  I mean your daughter has to live with and learned to deal with what he's said her her whole life....that's not healthy.  IF he could recognize what he's done...sincerely apologize than maybe there relationship could be better. 

[bloop86]

great advice

[djohnson43]

Sometimes I think that my husband s the way he is because he was teased himself as a child. But then so was I because I was so shy and wouldn't engage. I guess I just learned what it was like to be teased and didn't want to do it to anyone else. But there is also the possiblitly that he is the second of four boys and his mom never showed any kind of positive attention to the three oldest only the youngest. Their dad was career army and everything was so strict when he was home. I don't know.

[samrhett2]

People laugh about psychiatrists saying that everything is linked to your childhood, but I believe it really is.  I think the difference is that some of us rise above that cycle and some don't or at least they need some self help to do it.  It was not until about age 45 that I finally realized how screwed up my life was growing up.  We always had plenty of stuff.  We went to church, had a nice house, my dad had a good job and was respected.  How much more normal could it be, right?  Well, withing the family was a nasty little dynamic created by my mom.  The rest of us lived on pins and needles because we could never live up to her standards.  She never beat us, but never being good enough and having to knock yourself out trying just to fail and fail over again was almost as damaging.  I am just sorry that it took me so long to see it.  My dad was just as bad because he let it go on and he is a victim too. 

Now you know how I am able to recognize a parent that is a bully.  They don't always have to be name callers either.  In my mom's case, I think she needs to feel constantly superior and in control of us.  If she loses that grip she fears she will be left all alone and she probably will. 

[djohnson43]

People laugh about psychiatrists saying that everything is linked to your childhood, but I believe it really is.  I think the difference is that some of us rise above that cycle and some don't or at least they need some self help to do it.  It was not until about age 45 that I finally realized how screwed up my life was growing up.  We always had plenty of stuff.  We went to church, had a nice house, my dad had a good job and was respected.  How much more normal could it be, right?  Well, withing the family was a nasty little dynamic created by my mom.  The rest of us lived on pins and needles because we could never live up to her standards.  She never beat us, but never being good enough and having to knock yourself out trying just to fail and fail over again was almost as damaging.  I am just sorry that it took me so long to see it.  My dad was just as bad because he let it go on and he is a victim too. 

Now you know how I am able to recognize a parent that is a bully.  They don't always have to be name callers either.  In my mom's case, I think she needs to feel constantly superior and in control of us.  If she loses that grip she fears she will be left all alone and she probably will. 

And in the case of my mother in law her favortisism  to the youngest has caused the three older boys to have nothing to do with her. They say that being gay is something you choose but in the case of my brother in law I believe she made him gay. She wanted a little girl so bad that she used to dress him in frill and lace and such. He'd bring home his "girlfriends" and she loved it. The three oldest would bring their girlfriends home and she instantly hated them. Me included. We are together almost 23 years, have had three beautiful girls, and she has never seen a one of them except for in pictures that we gave to my brother in law and he had them on the walls of his apartment.

[kydude55]

interesting

[acurtsinger2]

the world is full of all different types of people...it would be a boring plac e if all of us were the same.    tall ones, short ones, thin ones and chubby ones..each person is valuable no matter what.  tell your husband to back offf....the world can be a cruel place and she doesnt need anymore crap especially from her own father.