Funny Rhymes and Limericks, anyone?

[melman1]

I love funny stuff I find on the web. I can't remember where I got this, but it's one of my favorites. Does anyone else have any humorous rhymes or limericks?

                                                        "There once was an old man of Esser,
                                                         whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
                                                                    it at last grew so small
                                                                    he knew nothing at all,
                                                            and now he's a college professor!"
                 
                                                                                   

[dcrotteau]

I remember reading this two my kids when they were little and how much they enjoyed it.

Three little monkeys jumping on the be

One fell off and bumped his head

Mommy called the Doctor and the Doctor said,

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"


Two little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mommy called the Doctor and the Doctor said,

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"


One little monkey jumping on the bed

She fell off and bumped her head

Mommy called the Doctor and the Doctor said,

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

[melman1]

Here's another.

                                                                There was a young lady named Kite,
                                                              who's speed was much faster than light,
                                                                        She left home one day
                                                                           in a relative way
                                                                 and returned on the previous night!

[bhiett]

One of my favorites:

In beauty I'm not a great star;
Others are handsomer far.
But my face, I don't mind it
Because I'm behind it;
The folks out in front get the jar.

[lvstephanie]

There once was a guy
Who lived in my eye
That said this was a limerick

But that small guy
(Who was really a sty)
I think is really sick! 

[ceevstee]

Not certain if this counts but from watching the scary movies of Nightmare On Elm Street I remember this song somewhat from the starting of the movies:
                                   One Two Freddy's Coming For You
                                   Three Four Better Shut That Door
                                   Five Six Freddy's(or get a) Crucifix(not certain thats how this line went)
                                   Seven Eight Better Lay Them Straight
                                   Nine Ten Freddy's Back ( or here) Again

Okay someone out there might know the words better but thats all I can recall now!

[melman1]

Here we go again!

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket!

[plennis]

Said an envious, erudite ermine,

"There's one thing I cannot determine:

  When a girl wears my coat,

  She's a person of note.

When I wear it, I'm called only vermin."

[bhiett]

Not certain if this counts but from watching the scary movies of Nightmare On Elm Street I remember this song somewhat from the starting of the movies:
                                   One Two Freddy's Coming For You
                                   Three Four Better Shut That Door
                                   Five Six Freddy's(or get a) Crucifix(not certain thats how this line went)
                                   Seven Eight Better Lay Them Straight
                                   Nine Ten Freddy's Back ( or here) Again

Okay someone out there might know the words better but thats all I can recall now!

I think it is "Five Six, better get out quick;
                Seven Eight, Freddy's at the gate."

[bhiett]

I finally remembered the words to this one:

There once was a lady from Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

[melman1]

This one may get me sanctioned, but it's so good I have to give it a shot. It's not a limerick, it's just funny! 

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
                                           The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “you don’t know jack schitt.” Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of KNEE-DEEP SCHITT, INC. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children; Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them!

[Phx0808]

There was a girl from Venus, whose body was shaped like a <CENSORED>.

Let's try another one.
Have heard the Rope Limerick? On second thought, let's skip it. 

[BaudLight]

I once ate out in Purdue,
and found a large rat in my stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout...
and wave it about...
or the others will want one too!"

[ShadeTree]

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

-----------

Archimedes, the well known truth-seeker,
Jumping out of his bath, cried "Eureka!"
He ran half a mile,
Wearing only a smile,
And became the very first streaker.

[BaudLight]

There once was a man from Crete,
who kept himself terribly neat.
When he got out of bed,
he stood on his head,
so he wouldn't get dust on his feet.