~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[jcribb16]

"Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie."
~ David Mamet ~

"I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was, I should cut my bangs."
~ Comedian Bonnie McFarlane ~

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
~ Fred Allen ~

[DeliriousKris]

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White

[jenniferhoder]

Ha ha! There are some funny ones here.... of course I can't think of a single thing funny at the moment....

[DeliriousKris]

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

[6265AT99]

I would say all of these quotes are fabulous!!

[stretch1967]

Yeah thanks for the laughs.

[DeliriousKris]

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

[dodgers16]

  I have always liked this quote but I am not sure who said it...“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?" 

[DeliriousKris]

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

[linderlizzie]

"I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific." 


This is one of my favs. I think it came from Lily Tomlin. 

[jcribb16]

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well".
~  Mark Twain ~


“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
~ Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt ~


“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
~ Paul Terry ~


I really enjoy reading the humorous and funny quotes and jokes in here!  It's always nice to feel that smile coming. 

[DeliriousKris]

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

Love that guy! So sad he's no longer with us...

[greenthumbjan]

Shut-up shutting-up.    WB cartoon

[Sweetpea1228]

Thanks for starting this post. It was very entertaining to read every ones quotes. 

[DeliriousKris]

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman