~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[jcribb16]

I enjoy humor.  Some days, we just need something to pick us up a little bit, put a smile on our face, or make us chuckle.  Thanks for helping to add some more humor in here! 


"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
~ Jim Davis ~

"I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug."
~ Anonymous ~

"Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life."
~ Unknown ~

"In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment."
~ Anonymous ~

[stretch1967]

I like this

[stretch1967]

Number 2

[stretch1967]

Sorry

[6265AT99]

"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."

~ William Arthur Ward ~


"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
 
~ W. C. Fields ~



"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."
 
~ Laurence J. Peter ~



"Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement."
 
~ Ronald Reagan ~

Haha - love these especially the one from Ronald Reagan and Laurence J. Peter!!!

[jcribb16]

"It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions."
~Anonymous~


"Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives."
~Unknown~


"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
~James Thurber~

[mjoseph1]

i like this thread very funny stuff

[dodgers16]

    this is a good on..."It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." Jerry Seinfeld

[jcribb16]

    this is a good on..."It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." Jerry Seinfeld

That's neat - I don't think I've ever thought of it like that!

[rricardi58]

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”

~Milton Berle

[DeliriousKris]

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

[Beckys0528]

I really enjoyed the humorous and funny quotes there were alot I have never heard but they were great 

[jcribb16]

I really enjoyed the humorous and funny quotes there were alot I have never heard but they were great 

[jcribb16]

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
~Ben Bergor~

"I wrote facebook to protest lack of privacy. They wrote back saying they already knew how I felt about it."
~John Fugelsang~

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
~Oscar Wilde~


I'm enjoying all of the humor everyone is including in here!!  Thanks for the smiles! 

[demaina]

"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house." - Unknown

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." - Bill Cosby

"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog." - Unknown

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Axel Rose

”It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.” - Tommy Cooper

"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience" - Mark Twain


And some of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes Quotes

Calvin: Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.

Calvin: The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take milk for example. Why do we drink COW milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said. "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

Calvin: "You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood."
Hobbes: "What mood is that?"
Calvin: "Last-minute panic."

Calvin: In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Test Question 1: When did the Pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock?
Calvin: "1620.  As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations."

Calvin: "If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."