~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[stretch1967]

I understand some of these quotes to a tee.

[jcribb16]

"All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door."
~Unknown~

"I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep."
~Jim Loy~

"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside."
~Roseanne~

[Phx0808]

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." - Alison Boulter


"People who believe there is no such thing as a stupid question have never worked retail."- Phx0808

[jcribb16]

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." - Alison Boulter


"People who believe there is no such thing as a stupid question have never worked retail."- Phx0808

Those are some good ones! 

[DeliriousKris]

 “If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?"
~Scott Adams

[africanclaudie]

Thanks so much for the quotes...it has brightened my day and put me in a really good mood! THANKS!!!! 

[jcribb16]

Thanks so much for the quotes...it has brightened my day and put me in a really good mood! THANKS!!!! 

 

[jcribb16]

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
~ Mark Twain ~

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.”
~ Ellen DeGeneres ~

“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”
~ Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless ~

[jcribb16]

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
~ A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh ~

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
~ Dave Barry ~

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
~ Ellen DeGeneres ~

[DeliriousKris]

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

[JediJohnnie]

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.How he got in my pajamas,I don't know."-Groucho Marx

[JediJohnnie]

25 Years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, No Cash and no Hope!-anonymous

 

[jcribb16]

Great ones, everyone!  Keep them coming! 

[melissajh44]

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" - Robin Williams

[jcribb16]

 “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson


“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright


“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” - Unknown