~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[DeliriousKris]

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

[DeliriousKris]

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

[DeliriousKris]

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
George Jean Nathan

[JediJohnnie]

"I really don't deserve this award.....but then, I have arthritis and I really don't deserve that either!" Jack Benny

[DeliriousKris]

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

[DeliriousKris]

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

[DeliriousKris]

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

[dauna]

From a Monty Python sketch:  I don't like sex on the telly.  I keep falling off.

[DeliriousKris]

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
Paul Simon

[DeliriousKris]

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

[DeliriousKris]

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

[DeliriousKris]

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
Anonymous

[freedavis]

great jokes

[Seenobita]

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

[Seenobita]

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?