~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[jcribb16]

"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside."

"Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave."

~ Both by Roseanne ~


"A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired."

~ Unknown ~

[yumers]

cleanliness becomes more important when godliness becomes unlikely.

-Daniel Tosh

[amaravee]

these quotes are hilarious! please keep them coming 

[DeliriousKris]

You've got to have a sense of humor to keep your sanity.
Lance Bass

[nickylanena]

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
 
~ Casey Stengel ~


"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
 
~ Steven Wright ~

Hahaha! Wow

[stretch1967]

i like this one:  Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
~ James Thurber ~

I seem to hear that story alot. I have had my cell phone for a months now. I get this call and he leaves a message: yo  whats going on. I died laughing listening to it. He started talking about rubber tires and such.    I also got this one call I dont remember who they asked for I kept getting messages. I decided to have a little fun. They kept texting me. I texted them back one day and said who is this. They texted me back who is this? I said I am your worst nightmare. They texted back I thought freddie krugar was dead. I dont remember what I said after that. They did ap[olgize for bothering me.

[jcribb16]

i like this one:  Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
~ James Thurber ~

I seem to hear that story alot. I have had my cell phone for a months now. I get this call and he leaves a message: yo  whats going on. I died laughing listening to it. He started talking about rubber tires and such.    I also got this one call I dont remember who they asked for I kept getting messages. I decided to have a little fun. They kept texting me. I texted them back one day and said who is this. They texted me back who is this? I said I am your worst nightmare. They texted back I thought freddie krugar was dead. I dont remember what I said after that. They did ap[olgize for bothering me.

Ha ha!  That's a good one!

[jcribb16]

- "You have the right to remain silent; Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you." -

- "A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!" -

- "Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks." -

[melissakat01]

My funny quote is...
They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle

[jcribb16]

"Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes."

"Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours."

"No one is listening until you make a mistake."

[JediJohnnie]

"Dean Martin saw a sign once that said "Drink Canada Dry."So he tried to!-Frank Sinatra 

[jcribb16]

"Dean Martin saw a sign once that said "Drink Canada Dry."So he tried to!-Frank Sinatra 

Ha ha ha!!   

[jcribb16]

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."

"I can handle pain until it hurts."

"No matter where you go, you're there."

"If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane."

(Quoters are not listed with these.)

[DeliriousKris]

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
~Fred Allen

[jcribb16]

"Chaos, Panic, Pandemonium – my work here is done."
~ Unknown ~

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."
~ Unknown ~

"Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life."
~ Unknown ~