Should your children help out with your special needs child?

[lgemini]

I think that they should be able to help you when you need it.  My 14 years old child did not want to go to a child fun play to help with my special needs child.  I wanted my oldest child to keep an eye on my youngest child, because I want very tired from working that night.  This was a special day for my youngest child (Birthday party).   I was so upset that my oldest child is so selfish not want to help me. This is the oldest child first time not wanting to help, but I want it to be the last.   The selfish act is not just hurting me, but the younger child has feeling too.  What should I do to my oldest child?  Please give me your opinion.

[loriecampbell]

I don't have children so really not in a place to advise on that. I do know if other children are missing out on their activities and pressured too much to always help out they're going to feel some resentment. It will become too stressful for them. But, I don't know your full situation fully.

[yosav]

i think all children should pitch in and help, but teenagers are rebellious and they might not mean it, sometimes even though the other child is special needs, they could be jelious and feel guilty at the same time, try to build a stronger relationship with your teen. (easier said then done). good luck   

[lylah01]

I think they should help at least somewhat. It is hard to care for a special needs child alone.

[articx]

Helping out will be nice, but I think they should not be expected to do so.

[acurtsinger2]

they should want to help....but it should not be so often that they are unable to enjoy being a  child themselves.  it  :heart:would be unfair to saddle a child with adult responsibilities all the time.

[cloudsoup]

my brother was a special needs child (young-adult
now) and there were times that i was just tired of
helping out. although i think it was natural to feel that
way, me being "tired" was nothing compared to what
i watched my mom go through. she didn't even ask my
help that much, and looking back, i wish i would have
volunteered to do more.

she never called me out on being selfish, but she had
a way with words that made me look at myself in a
different light and open my eyes. she'd tell me i was
so lucky to be able to walk wherever i wanted, go to
school without worrying about having an accident and
kids making fun of me, to never have doctors poking at
me with needles... she wouldn't make me help, but she
sure let me know how lucky i was that i COULD help if
i wanted to!

lots of lessons learned 

[tashamjoy]

I think it may just be the age i dont know but I would say to just explain to her how lucky she is and i think time will show and she will see how lucky she is and offer to help more I am not sure

[tantricia44]

I use to work in a facility for retarded & disabled persons & it's not pretty. A lot of the deformities are so bad it's a wonder how they are still living! Some can't breath on their own & some can't even control their own saliva from choking them.
1.If this the first time your eldest had rebelled in helping, you need to get to the bottom of why suddenly he/she no longer wants to participate in helping in the family. Something is going on w/your child.
2.Take him/her to a facility for disabled persons to see what's it like to see others that are severally disabled with deformities in body & mind. May be get him/her to volunteer.
3.At the facility were I worked, before we started work, we had a " Learn how it feels to be this helpless work shop," We had to wear diapers/depends,blind folded & our noses was cover too. Our mouths & ears was covered too to prevent us from speaking & hearing & our hands were tie as well as our feet. We are seated in chair with mashed food dripping with sticky juice. We are left alone 5 to 10min no sounds dead silence. Then, the room was filled with loud sounds talking & socializing with each other but ignore us completely.The participants didn't even last  5 mins. This work shop allows the staff that take care of these individuals to understand how this person is feeling. We get the best people working at the facility  after this workshop. In short maybe if your eldest child knows how it feels to not be able do anything on his/her own, there may be some understanding towards the youngest. Put his/her feet in your youngest shoes. Can he/she last 1 day being in the youngest shoes?
4. Finally you should sit w/your eldest & explain that you need his/her help once in a while. & that as the eldest, you will depend his/her help . Also , 14 is kind of young to be watching a child with special needs alone. Try making a schedule with your eldest on what you want him/her to do.Also, seek counseling for you & your child, it's always helps to have a 3rd party that is not relative to resolve issues. Hope this helps good luck! 

[handllucas]

My view is that family helps family. Special needs or not.
For generations the older siblings helped with the younger ones.
I do not think that the older ones should be totally responsible for other family members, but they can certainly help with household chores to allow others to tend to the other child/children.

[springsgardner]

my brother was a special needs child (young-adult
now) and there were times that i was just tired of
helping out. although i think it was natural to feel that
way, me being "tired" was nothing compared to what
i watched my mom go through. she didn't even ask my
help that much, and looking back, i wish i would have
volunteered to do more.

she never called me out on being selfish, but she had
a way with words that made me look at myself in a
different light and open my eyes. she'd tell me i was
so lucky to be able to walk wherever i wanted, go to
school without worrying about having an accident and
kids making fun of me, to never have doctors poking at
me with needles... she wouldn't make me help, but she
sure let me know how lucky i was that i COULD help if
i wanted to!

lots of lessons learned 

IMO, this sounds like the way to go because there is so much pressure growing up with totally "normal" sibs, whatever "normal" is. My sister, 3 years my junior, had special needs. I did the best I knew how when it came to helping out, but I also had to grow up and deal with my own challenges. I do not know how helpful I was from my parents' perspective. I did have 3 brothers, one of which was between my sister and me as far as birth order goes, that I helped out with a lot, too.

[dreamyxo]

I agree that family helps family but at the same time the 14 year old is a child and primary care duties should be your job not theirs.  They are 14 so by nature they are selfish and this is a time they are trying to assert their own independence.  Sure you could force the 14 year old to care for their sibling but this may cause a lot of resentment and it's not completely fair to them.  If it's the fist time they didn't help cut them a little slack.  They aren't being selfish. What 14 year old really wants to take care of a younger sibling anyway?  When you are gone the they will be responsible for this child so let them be a kid while they can.

[springsgardner]

I agree with the last poster. That sounds like good advice