PEOPLE PLEASING B**CH

[BK_Adores_Chase]

So I have been a people pleaser all my life.  One day, my fiance said something he always says, but it really hit me.  I need to stop thinking about what other people want and do what makes me happy.  I thought to myself, "Wow, he is SO right!" So now everytime someone asks me to do something I ask myself what choice would make me happy.  The thing is, the more choices I make to make myself happy the bigger of a b**ch I feel...any thoughts?  I hate feeling mean but I want to be happy so how can I focus on making myself happy without feeling guilty?  I will add that when it comes to my children and fiance of course I don't apply this rule because I put their happiness before my own...

[noirlupe]

You need to work at it and find the combination that works for you.  There is a way you can be happy but not break your neck trying to please everyone.  Read articles on the subject and find the tips and ideas that talk to you and make you feel good about doing them.

[discardedheart]

You need to work at it and find the combination that works for you.  There is a way you can be happy but not break your neck trying to please everyone.  Read articles on the subject and find the tips and ideas that talk to you and make you feel good about doing them.

i agree.

sometimes it's hard to find a balance and you can't help but feel guilt for not doing things for others, but in the end you need to make yourself happy - sometimes that INCLUDES helping and doing for others.. you just have to find a balance. it doesn't make you selfish to say 'no' sometimes i've always been a bit of a pushover myself and it's something i struggle with from time to time as well.

[ancmetro]

          Nasty people doing nasty things! Why follow them? They will ruin your life! Think about yourself first...do not pay any attention to those people.

[tzs]

Just play it by ear, life is to short to not be happy all of the time. Spread the love!

[lvstephanie]

If you are always helping others out, some selfish people will pick up on that and take advantage of your People Pleasing personality. I found this out the hard way... I had helped out someone I though was my friend, but it turned out they were just using me and in the end I lost a few hundred dollars fixings everything that went wrong by this help. After that I have been much less willing to help people if there isn't a benefit to me.

I think that in some ways you just have to look at your own interests. If it is a true friend that is in need, you'll help them to retain your friendship, knowing that they'd do the same for you if the tables were turned. But if the person is more of a random acquaintance, then determine whether by helping this person you might be going to far out of your way, and what that may cost you in the end. Holding a door open for a person with their arms full is harmless, and just makes the world a kinder place. But driving several miles out of your way just to bus a person from one place to another (esp. if you don't really know the person well) may not be the best choice... At worst, the person may have you wait at a 2nd place while they grab something, then to a 3rd place, etc. wasting your gas and time (a friend and I did this while "helping" a drunk person get home from a bar -- should've just had them get a cab  ).

[lannl]

I have the same problem. Just earlier today I was told I was a people pleaser. I was told I should read a book called the Disease to Please. by Harriet B. Braiker. I do not have time to read it now but, maybe you would.

[BK_Adores_Chase]

lvstephanie good response!!!

and I love reading so I will have to check out that book.  Danielle Steele is my all time favorite and I am working on all of her books right now but maybe I will squeeze this one in!

[anubabs]

i like pleaseing people also but the only thing i consider in wherther to go out of my way to please them is if they would do the same for me. if the answer is yes i will try my possible best and if its no, well....forget them.

[kapeh12]

I agree with what others have posted and suggested and would like to add another component is learning how to prioritize.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to help others - some are more naturally disposed to wanting to assist others in need.  The trick is to balance saying "yes" to helping others with your responsibilities at home and your own needs to take a rest/break.

There have been several times where after being on the run for several weeks, I finally had a weekend to myself where I was looking forward to just resting, when friends would call up to ask me to go out to the movies or dance or something else - and even though I wanted to spend time with them, my body/mind knew I really needed a quiet night to myself so I would tell them honestly I'd love to go out with them, but after being on the run I really needed to stay home and rest alone.  True friends will understand and not think badly when you need to do that - everyone needs that.  No need to feel guilty - it's was just in my priorities at that time, resting was more important than going out with friends.

If you do say "no" to someone and they try to lay a guilt trip on you - that's a pretty good sign that they are not a true friend, or may even be someone who's trying to take advantage of you.  You really don't need to waste your time on people like that.

Good luck!

[mrisha]

So I have been a people pleaser all my life.  One day, my fiance said something he always says, but it really hit me.  I need to stop thinking about what other people want and do what makes me happy.  I thought to myself, "Wow, he is SO right!" So now everytime someone asks me to do something I ask myself what choice would make me happy.  The thing is, the more choices I make to make myself happy the bigger of a b**ch I feel...any thoughts?  I hate feeling mean but I want to be happy so how can I focus on making myself happy without feeling guilty?  I will add that when it comes to my children and fiance of course I don't apply this rule because I put their happiness before my own...

I too was always there pleasing a lot of people and in the end I was the the one to get hurt each time.  I never knew how to say no.  I learned a hard lesson financially because I truly never believed the person would treated me so harshly and cold would do that to me and stop speaking to me-that person was my daughter. 

[jordandog]

Think about this. How many MEN do you know that 'suffer' from the people pleasing syndrome? I can only think of 1 or 2 in all my years. It is we women who get caught up in this and I believe it is because we are the nurturers, the ones who give birth/take care of our kids, and society has also conditioned us to believe we can and should be able to do it all. I think that the ability to say NO and mean it comes as you get older. I know when I was younger, I would rarely, if ever, say NO to anything or anyone - even when I was too tired, too stressed for time, and didn't even actually like the person all that much.

It's one thing to do for someone who is in need and truly appreciates what you do/have done for them. It's the ones who could care less and act as if you (or society) owe it to them that need to be cut off, period! Believe me, BK, I got 'burnt' and 'burned out' many, many times. I finally had to decide that if saying no meant they were not going to bother with me again then I didn't need that person in my life anyway - they could be their own or someone else's problem and I was not going to feel guilty about it.

[tjshorty]

I am a people pleaser also,  it is aggrevaiting when it starts being taken for granted. 

[Annella]

I agree with what others have posted and suggested and would like to add another component is learning how to prioritize.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to help others - some are more naturally disposed to wanting to assist others in need.  The trick is to balance saying "yes" to helping others with your responsibilities at home and your own needs to take a rest/break.

There have been several times where after being on the run for several weeks, I finally had a weekend to myself where I was looking forward to just resting, when friends would call up to ask me to go out to the movies or dance or something else - and even though I wanted to spend time with them, my body/mind knew I really needed a quiet night to myself so I would tell them honestly I'd love to go out with them, but after being on the run I really needed to stay home and rest alone.  True friends will understand and not think badly when you need to do that - everyone needs that.  No need to feel guilty - it's was just in my priorities at that time, resting was more important than going out with friends.

If you do say "no" to someone and they try to lay a guilt trip on you - that's a pretty good sign that they are not a true friend, or may even be someone who's trying to take advantage of you.  You really don't need to waste your time on people like that.

Good luck!

The above post is a good one. This is something I'm dealing with right now in my life. It was good to read the above as it spoke to my heart. Thank you.

Also, you need to be true to yourself and what you believe and your stance. Guaranteed, there will people that will come along and "test you" just to see if you are as strong and uncompromising as you seem to be. Don't be afraid to be just what you are. That really is the victory. It's a wonderful feeling to know you are strong in your resolve to do what is necessary, and can't be shaken to follow the crowd or suffer the indignation of others. When you go to bed each night, you can lay your head down on your pillow and sleep in peace and knowledge that you are not a fraud or someone who has to always say yes to "fit in". That kind of person gets a reputation of being weak in the long run and betray themselves. They will attract those who will use them and have no principles of their own.

You know the saying about a "different drummer"? It's more true than you can even imagine. To go against what is acceptable by society is not easy, but necessary for self development and integrity. Letting people know exactly where you stand and true to your principles, will attract others with the same kind of fiber.

[jearen]

This is a hard habit to break, I think we learn it from early childhood trying to please our parents. I find I am the same way at work but seemed to never get ahead. This is one of the reasons I have decided to try make money from working online. I am on lifting restrictions and find I will ignore this to please the boss. Good Luck with this, if you figure out how to accomplish breaking the habit let me know. Who cares if you think you are a B**CH, as long as your happy. 
Jean