Weekend (Saturday/Sunday) Mini Promotions - Non-Sports Related

[madisongirl49]

a panda walks into a bar, eats, shoots, and leaves. 

[ro901]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

[mrs_clean]

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he had a chicken stapled to his cheek!

[sonalinm]

The man approached a  beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
Woman: "Why?"
Man: "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." 

[Linda67]

During a recent password audit it was found that a blond was using the following password:  MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento....when asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long and contain one capital.     

[deathx88]

how do you make a dead baby float?




2 scoops of ice cream, 2 scoops of dead baby.



BA-ZING!

[Annella]

Did you ever wonder why they put braille on drive up ATM's?


Here's a better one:

A blond walks up to a brunette hopping back and forth, on and off the railroad tracks, again and again.

The blond asks "what are you doing"?

The brunette is chanting "21", "21", "21". over and over again, as she hops back and forth.

The blond is so captured with what the brunette is doing, until it's too late.....TRAIN.......SPLAT!!

The brunette goes back on the tracks and continues hopping back and forth, chanting "22", "22", "22".........

[Oryon20]

What did one eye say to the other eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

[trucktina]

How do you get down from an elephant?






You don't. You get down from a duck!

[kingreyam24]

A infectious disease walks into bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve infectious disease in this bar."
The infectious disease says "Well, you're not a very good host."

A neutrino walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve neutrino in this bar."
The neutrino says "Hey, I was just passing through."

[mc1962]

Q:  What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?





A:  Elefino (Hell if i know)



lolololol

[GramPolly3]

The old Jack Benny favorite: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

(Lame)

[jamalpe]

knock knock
whose there me
me who me too

[animikokala]

Here's a long one, but it always makes me laugh:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

[blackish0t]

What's a Vampire's favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving


(this was told to me in an elevator by the cutest little boy.)