HILARIOUS JOKES..LIVE AND LAUGH 1

[sherieann_glino08]

Doctor, Doctor
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Next Time, Let's Stay in a Hotel
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."


Funny Teacher Student Joke
Teacher :What happened in 1809?
Student: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1819?
Student: Abraham Lincoln was ten years old.

Dumb Student Joke
Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Pluto and Neptune. Everyone must attend it.
Sudent: Sorry my mom wouldnt let me go so far.

Hilarious Teacher Comedy
Teacher: Whats the meaning of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?
Student: Bamba'lakkadi Jimba.
Teacher: I dont understand anything you said.
Student: Same here.



Laugh Out Loud Joke
Teacher: Suppose, you have offered money and knowledge. You have to take one of them. Which one you should choose?

Student: Money.

Teacher: I would have taken knowledge. But why do you take money?

Student: I have the lack of money that’s why. You have the lack of knowledge. That’s why



Teacher Student Exam Shop
Ben got 100 out of 100 in the exam. So the teacher gave him a gift and said,

I hope you will do the same in the next exam.'

Ben: Thank you Sir. I hope you will also print the question paper from my uncle’s printing shop next time.


Husband and wife in the shower

A husband and wife are in the shower together. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. The husband asks, "Babe can you get that please?" the wife replies "Sure". The wife puts on a robe and goes downstairs to open the door. At the door its Bill the husbands bestfriend. "Hi is your husband in?" asks Bill. "He is unavailable at the moment" replies the wife. "Ah ok" says Bill. As Bill is about to leave he turns back to the wife and says "I have £400 in my pocket, if you flash me your ti*s you can have it" the wife feels offended but then realizes she needs that money, so she goes ahead and flashes and takes the £400. As Bill is about to leave he turns round and says "I have another £400 in my pocket, if you let me feel your ti*s" the wife again feels offended but remembers that she could do with all the extra money and lets him feel her ti*s. Bill gives her the money and leaves. The wife walks up the stairs feeling very guilty but tries to forget it all.

When she gets back into the shower her husband asks "Who was that?" The wife replies "Oh it was just Bill." The husband replies "That *bleep* owes me £800!"

the car on the garage

There was a kid that wanted to take a shower with his mom. The mom said, "o.k. just whatever you do don’t look up". The boy looked up and said mommy what is that? She says’ "it's my garage". The next night he wanted to take a shower with his dad. He looked up in the shower and said, "daddy what’s that". "It's my car", said the dad. The next night they were getting ready for bed the kid said, "daddy can I sleep with you and mommy tonight?" He said, "yes", and that night the kid woke up and said, "mommy, mommy wake up daddy is parking his car in your garage".

wife cheating on husband

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says"hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"

[mayra88]

LMAo!!

[ktheodos]

okay, some of these are somewhat dirty, most are funny, some are pointless, but I appreciate the post, and thanks for the laugh

[rwdeese]

Facts about Men

We might have run these before, but in case you missed -- they're a hoot:

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

[ace5960]

Lol

[home_teachin]

I love the Doctor Doctor one.

[wischmeyersn]

These were great! Definately brightened my day up

[mmangas]

The jokes gave me a good laugh!!!!

[TVALLO]

Hee needed a good laugh today! Thanks

[rcadams1980]

Three nuns die in a bus crash and are standing outside the pearly gates.  Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Do you have any sins to confess before you enter?"  The first nun replies, "I once felt a man's private parts."  Saint Peter say, "Wash your hands in the holy water and all will be forgiven.  The third nun then rushes in front of the second nun.  Saint Peter asks, "Why did you step in front of her?"  The third nun explains, "I refuse to gargle the holy water after she washes her behind with it."

[ashmariiee]

haha i needed a good laugh

[sigmapi1501]

Old man goes to the doctor. Doctor says "Bad news, you have Cancer and you Have Alzheimer's"
The old man says "Well... at least I don't have cancer."

[kapeh12]

This was a joke my uncle told me:

Two friends friends, Sven and Ole were huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, they talked baseball.  They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One night, Sven passed away in his sleep after watching the Cubs game earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Ole awoke to the sound of Sven's voice from beyond.

"Sven is that you?" Ole asked.

"Yes, it's me," Sven replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Ole exclaimed. " So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven."

"Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[alwpgf]

Three men are mountain climbing and get to a fairly good height.  One slips and falls to a ledge below.  The two other men look below and call out the the fallen one.  "Hey Mac", they call out, "Mac, are you okay?"  "yeah, but I broke both my arms", Mac yells back.  "Oh no!" the two men cry, "Well, we'll thrown a rope down to you and pull you up."  So they start pulling Mac up and about halfway, they ask, "Hey Mac, if both of your arms are broken, how are you holding on to the rope?"  Mac answers, "With my tee-eeeeeeeee...(voice trailing)".

[rwdeese]

Things your Mother would NEVER say...

-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

-- That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

-- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

-- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.