Good article for Atheists and people who want to apply proverbs 14:15

[teflonfanatic]

Atheists always tell me i'm too close-minded so i'm going to do the opposite of what I normally do. I'm going to side with the atheists for one post!!!!!!! This article is from themadjws.com go to that website and then click the link how to speak churchese for PICTURES, and for the atheists it has a nice section for evolution!!!!!

Lesson #1
The word "God".

In churchese, the word "God" NEVER EVER refers to a Supreme Being! So in order to fluently speak churchese as a native churchoid would, one must always think of a, say, God with a split personality. As THEY call it "ONE" God... (that isn't one in any REAL sense)...like a 3-in-one oil. A Trio of God-Persons or "essences", like divine perfumes....
Thus it's not "GOD" spoke to Moses, but "Gods" spoke to Moses, and "They", not "He", and 'They' never say " I", but "We".
If you find it almost impossible to think that way, try having a friend safely rap you on the head with a baseball bat; it  almost ALWAYS helps you see things in triplicate...

Lesson #2
The word "son"
"Son" simply means a Male Offspring of a Father (and/or mother)...until CHURCHianity gotta hold of it! . In churchese, every term is twisted beyond recognition to fit in with traditional theology that has no bearing to logic, common sense, scriptures, or a rational mind. Thus it is essential to become Un-Rational (HEY! If THEY can create new words, so can WE!) to speak it fluently,
In Churchese, the term refers to anything BUT a son; it is another synonym for "God", altho, granted, it IS difficult to to think of an offspring in this way, always remember- it CAN be done with a little practice- and a baseball bat...

Lesson #3
The word "Begotten"
The word refers to a father's procreating, and if you are beginning to get the FEEL of churchese, you now know to search for an opposite meaning.... like NEVER begotten...ALWAYS existing, like the OTHER 2 'Supreme' Beings. All the similar terms used in the Bible such as "firstborn", "beginning of creation/all creatures" must also be understood in the same spirit- thus relegate those terms to Trinitarian Titles- for who knows better than the Churches as to what was meant?
CERTAINLY Gods were having the Bible written in churchese- not in any language the masses would be able to actually  UNDERSTAND

Lesson #4
The word "Almighty"...
In churchese, the "Al" is silent. For since there are 3 Gods...well just "One" in a twilightzonian sense...that are 3 separate 'Supreme' Beings....and all 3 are EQUAL in Power and Authority, the term "Almighty' quickly becomes obsolete.
Therefore JUST STOP USING IT! It is FORBIDDEN if you are to speak churchese...or maybe you'll just have to hire an interpreter! (Or tarot cards will do.)

Lesson #5
The word "Ghost"...
Originally, when what became the Catholic Church formulated the Trinity Dogma, a BIG problem was the introduction of a THIRD God....After all. the holy spirit doesn't have a name...and is never seen with God and Christ in all the visions....and the peoples in those days were VERY superstitous...thus what better term than conjuring up yet another God than "GHOST"! The Holy GHOST!
No, no, NO! Stop thinking the immortal soul of someone who has died haunting the living! Start thinking the immortal third God of the Trinity who has come haunting the living! Discretion must be used, however, for many churchoids, altho believing it IS a ghost do not like that term, but prefer "spirit, since it is a softer way to promote their dogma!

Lesson #6
The word "Father"...
Again, as you should have learned by NOW, the opposite of this word's REAL meaning (a man who has begot a child) must be sought- and what better than, as usual, the word "God"? Well He just so happens to BE God, in this case....buuuuut, since the churchoids say they are "one" in far more than just harmony, we have "Father" ALSO meaning both "son", and "ghost"...for after all doesn't the EGG have 3 parts- egg shell, egg white, and egg yolk?
So, we essentially have (in churchese) a Father Ghost, a Father Son, and a Father FATHER, And a Son who is His own Father, a Father who is His own Son, a Father who is a Ghost, and a Son who is a Ghost, a Ghost that's its own Father...etc... Isn't this a rich, tangent language to learn? What, you say? get the baseball bat again?

Lesson #7
The word "Life"...
This word in churchese does not just refer to those we think of as 'living' and 'breathing', but applies to those we think of as "dead"...since they aren't REALLY dead- just living in another form...in Heaven, Hellfire, Purgatory. Limbo, or the Paradise section of Hellfire- depending on which church to go to.
"Eternal Life" is a misnomer- since EVERYONE has an 'immortal' soul; God, man, demon, and even animals, in many churches....

Lesson #8
The word "Death"...
"Death" is another word for "Life", in churchese. Of course, when the Bible speaks of Jesus bringing to nothing the Last Enemy...'Death'...it is only -irp!- speaking metaphorically....it's only "Spiritual" death he defeats- for REMEMBER....NO ONE ever REALLY dies, stops living! Even the worms and maggots have eternal life, immortal souls, since they have been gnawing on the millions screaming in utter agony in Hellfire- and will do so...FOREVER....
Death-Life is your FRIEND!

Lesson #9
The word "Soul"...
This word is a synonym, in churchese, for "spirit", and "Ghost". It is the REAL you, trapped inside the physical body (see "Life" and "DEath" above.
When God said the soul that is sinning will DIE, and Jesus said to fear the One who can DESTROY the soul, they were speaking- you GOT it- FIGURATIVELY , not literally- for souls are IMMORTAL, they cannot die, nor be destroyed except in the twilightzoney sense given by the flamebouyant language of....CHURCHESE!

Lesson #10
The word "Resurrection"...
Since one never REALLY dies- as Satan told Eve- the word "resurrection" is another word for "death", since we never REALLY die, and for "Life" since we are eternally alive. It also carries the suggestion of the immortal soul leaving the body to float off to any number of destinations, depending on which church you go to, since judgment is instantaneous upon death/life/resurrection.
Since the baseball bat will be of no help with THIS one, a stiff shot of whiskey is a GREAT help!

Lesson #11
The Word "Die"...
One would think this word would mean basically the same as "Death", as a verb...well, one would be VERY wrong- for remember, we are taling CHURCHese, not Chinese, English, French, nor any other sensible language...
So, do you also remember the Basic Rule to learning and speaking churchese? Seek the OPPOSITE meaning? Very GOOD! You're advancing rapidly!
When Gods told Adam, for example, that he would "Die", it would be tempting to think He really meant it....but churchese helps one to know better! Gods didn't intend for Adam to stop living- but to keep him and Eve alive FOREVER, so that They could TORTURE them forever. He even prepared some kind of pit, cave, hole in the earth, another dimension, a section next to heaven, etc (depending on which church you go to) where he has flames burning forever, worms and maggots with immortal souls- all that SOMEHOW can burn and chew on their spirit/souls!
Thus, "Die", in churchese, means (except with the chosen 'born-again' church members) means "Fry"! "In the Day you eat from that tree, you will certainly FRY", is what Gods REALLY said, in churchese. To get used to this concept, see the Brand New Translation- the RCV (Ridiculous Churchoid Version) at another section of this site; it will be invaluable to your comprhension of traditional church dogma!

When applied to 'born-again' churchoids, it again takes the opposite direction, meaning "Fly", since their blessed and holy immortal souls go floating off to heaven to play harps, or whatever, for all eternity....

Lesson #12...
The word "Only"...
What can this word POSSIBLY mean, you ask? I'm GLAD you asked, yet should well know, by now, that anything BUT what it really means...it means in Churchese!
For example, when Christ said his FATHER was the "only" true God, we can easily see that "only" actually means "some others", namely a Nameless Ghost-God, and Jesus as well, whom was raised to heaven (Acts 1) in a physical body- while his 2 Fellow Gods, and the many angels, have SPIRIT bodies!
Isn't learning churchese SO much fun? However, we still have MANY more lessons to come!

Lesson # 13...
The Word "Salvation"...
This is the most popular word in Churchese, since it simply means to utter a Magic Phrase, similar to Captain Marvel in Golden Age Comic Books ( "SHAZAM!")- and =POOF!= you're 'saved' (usually for all time, depending on the church you go to)! Isn't that WONDERFUL!!!! No need to study, learn, think, no need to worry about ANYTHING! You can do whatever you want; lie, steal, cheat, have affairs, etc- and it DOSEN'T MATTER buddy- yer SAVED!!!!!!
All the warnings in the Bible, and even Hellfire itself were only for the purpose of scaring the Hell out of you (literally), and to scare you to Heaven! WHAT a RELIEF! I'M ready! heh
The magic words of church Salvation? "I accept Jesus as my Personal Trainer....ooops!...Lord and Savior!" That's IT! We're SAVED! Now you can do anything you want- you're spared from the flames of Hellfire!

Lesson #14...
The Word "Love"...
Anyone who has read a little of the Bible know it says "God is Love". So to speak churchese properly, one must use the word in its proper sense... You REMEMBER?
EXCELLENT! Yes, the opposite of having strong care & affection is having a strong Hatred- so you are REALLY getting the hang of this unusual language!
To "love" means to "hate", in churchese - as proven by the dogma that the Gods of "love" have been somehow burning, and having worms chew on, the immortal spirit-souls of many millions of men, women, and children for thousands of years- with Eternity to go- in Hellfire. In addition, the Devil and the demons are there- adding to the Love the Gods display-
Doesn't that inspire YOU to show such a wonderful love? Who will YOU be torturing today? Maybe Gods will help keep them alive for a long time- for YOU to be able to show a Lotta love!

Lesson 15...
The word "Cult"...
Since most don't even knows what the word REALLY means- in English- here it is:
1 : formal religious veneration : WORSHIP
2 : a system of religious beliefs and ritual; also : its body of adherents
3 : a religion regarded as unorthodox or spurious; also : its body of adherents
4 : a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set forth by its promulgator
5 a : great devotion to a person, idea, object, movement, or work (as a film or book); especially : such devotion regarded as a literary or intellectual fad b : the object of such devotion c : a usually small group of people characterized by such devotion
Have your pills? In churchese, it means NONE of that, but is simplified to mean "Anyone who does not believe our Holy Dogma". Thus, with great & imaginary piety they label us a Cult. What ELSE can they do; they can't sensibly prove ANY of their silly dogma- so it's FAR easier to simply refer to us as a cult, as if that says it all.
(It does- but not as they think!)

Lesson 16...
The word "Gospel"....
Churchese favors archaic English, since it sounds like they KNOW something no one else does when they use it. Fact IS they know LESS than most everyone else.
Take, for example, the word "Gospel", the archaic word for "Good News". Just for fun, ask a church-goer what the 'gospel' is- any be ready to use the baseball bat on THEM! They will babble on and on about how "He's RISEN!", thus saving us from Hellfire... So, Good 'News', to one speaking churchese, means news that happened LONG ago in the past- in THIS case, an event that took place almost 2,000 years ago...
So, in short, "Gospel", in churchese. means "ancient history". When they grab you by the collar and ask if you've accepted Jesus as YOUR Personal Lord and Savior, it's time to call 911.

Lesson #17
The word "abstain"- see how EAST it's getting? Acts 15:29 says "You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.
Now we all know churchoids just don't want to accept anything from the Bible they don't care for- and they WANT their blood transfusions- and sexual adventures...and would likely WANT to sacrifice food to idols if their church ever started it...but I digress!
Ignoring the scriptures with the greatest of ease,are the babbling churchoids spouting churchese!
"Absatin" in churchese, as you can see by NOW means "to enjoy when anyone wishes"...

[sflynt]

I actually found this quite humorous. 

[sheogorath15]

Atheists always tell me i'm too close-minded so i'm going to do the opposite of what I normally do. I'm going to side with the atheists for one post!!!!!!! This article is from themadjws.com go to that website and then click the link how to speak churchese for PICTURES, and for the atheists it has a nice section for evolution!!!!!

Lesson #1
The word "God".

In churchese, the word "God" NEVER EVER refers to a Supreme Being! So in order to fluently speak churchese as a native churchoid would, one must always think of a, say, God with a split personality. As THEY call it "ONE" God... (that isn't one in any REAL sense)...like a 3-in-one oil. A Trio of God-Persons or "essences", like divine perfumes....
Thus it's not "GOD" spoke to Moses, but "Gods" spoke to Moses, and "They", not "He", and 'They' never say " I", but "We".
If you find it almost impossible to think that way, try having a friend safely rap you on the head with a baseball bat; it  almost ALWAYS helps you see things in triplicate...

Lesson #2
The word "son"
"Son" simply means a Male Offspring of a Father (and/or mother)...until CHURCHianity gotta hold of it! . In churchese, every term is twisted beyond recognition to fit in with traditional theology that has no bearing to logic, common sense, scriptures, or a rational mind. Thus it is essential to become Un-Rational (HEY! If THEY can create new words, so can WE!) to speak it fluently,
In Churchese, the term refers to anything BUT a son; it is another synonym for "God", altho, granted, it IS difficult to to think of an offspring in this way, always remember- it CAN be done with a little practice- and a baseball bat...

Lesson #3
The word "Begotten"
The word refers to a father's procreating, and if you are beginning to get the FEEL of churchese, you now know to search for an opposite meaning.... like NEVER begotten...ALWAYS existing, like the OTHER 2 'Supreme' Beings. All the similar terms used in the Bible such as "firstborn", "beginning of creation/all creatures" must also be understood in the same spirit- thus relegate those terms to Trinitarian Titles- for who knows better than the Churches as to what was meant?
CERTAINLY Gods were having the Bible written in churchese- not in any language the masses would be able to actually  UNDERSTAND

Lesson #4
The word "Almighty"...
In churchese, the "Al" is silent. For since there are 3 Gods...well just "One" in a twilightzonian sense...that are 3 separate 'Supreme' Beings....and all 3 are EQUAL in Power and Authority, the term "Almighty' quickly becomes obsolete.
Therefore JUST STOP USING IT! It is FORBIDDEN if you are to speak churchese...or maybe you'll just have to hire an interpreter! (Or tarot cards will do.)

Lesson #5
The word "Ghost"...
Originally, when what became the Catholic Church formulated the Trinity Dogma, a BIG problem was the introduction of a THIRD God....After all. the holy spirit doesn't have a name...and is never seen with God and Christ in all the visions....and the peoples in those days were VERY superstitous...thus what better term than conjuring up yet another God than "GHOST"! The Holy GHOST!
No, no, NO! Stop thinking the immortal soul of someone who has died haunting the living! Start thinking the immortal third God of the Trinity who has come haunting the living! Discretion must be used, however, for many churchoids, altho believing it IS a ghost do not like that term, but prefer "spirit, since it is a softer way to promote their dogma!

Lesson #6
The word "Father"...
Again, as you should have learned by NOW, the opposite of this word's REAL meaning (a man who has begot a child) must be sought- and what better than, as usual, the word "God"? Well He just so happens to BE God, in this case....buuuuut, since the churchoids say they are "one" in far more than just harmony, we have "Father" ALSO meaning both "son", and "ghost"...for after all doesn't the EGG have 3 parts- egg shell, egg white, and egg yolk?
So, we essentially have (in churchese) a Father Ghost, a Father Son, and a Father FATHER, And a Son who is His own Father, a Father who is His own Son, a Father who is a Ghost, and a Son who is a Ghost, a Ghost that's its own Father...etc... Isn't this a rich, tangent language to learn? What, you say? get the baseball bat again?

Lesson #7
The word "Life"...
This word in churchese does not just refer to those we think of as 'living' and 'breathing', but applies to those we think of as "dead"...since they aren't REALLY dead- just living in another form...in Heaven, Hellfire, Purgatory. Limbo, or the Paradise section of Hellfire- depending on which church to go to.
"Eternal Life" is a misnomer- since EVERYONE has an 'immortal' soul; God, man, demon, and even animals, in many churches....

Lesson #8
The word "Death"...
"Death" is another word for "Life", in churchese. Of course, when the Bible speaks of Jesus bringing to nothing the Last Enemy...'Death'...it is only -irp!- speaking metaphorically....it's only "Spiritual" death he defeats- for REMEMBER....NO ONE ever REALLY dies, stops living! Even the worms and maggots have eternal life, immortal souls, since they have been gnawing on the millions screaming in utter agony in Hellfire- and will do so...FOREVER....
Death-Life is your FRIEND!

Lesson #9
The word "Soul"...
This word is a synonym, in churchese, for "spirit", and "Ghost". It is the REAL you, trapped inside the physical body (see "Life" and "DEath" above.
When God said the soul that is sinning will DIE, and Jesus said to fear the One who can DESTROY the soul, they were speaking- you GOT it- FIGURATIVELY , not literally- for souls are IMMORTAL, they cannot die, nor be destroyed except in the twilightzoney sense given by the flamebouyant language of....CHURCHESE!

Lesson #10
The word "Resurrection"...
Since one never REALLY dies- as Satan told Eve- the word "resurrection" is another word for "death", since we never REALLY die, and for "Life" since we are eternally alive. It also carries the suggestion of the immortal soul leaving the body to float off to any number of destinations, depending on which church you go to, since judgment is instantaneous upon death/life/resurrection.
Since the baseball bat will be of no help with THIS one, a stiff shot of whiskey is a GREAT help!

Lesson #11
The Word "Die"...
One would think this word would mean basically the same as "Death", as a verb...well, one would be VERY wrong- for remember, we are taling CHURCHese, not Chinese, English, French, nor any other sensible language...
So, do you also remember the Basic Rule to learning and speaking churchese? Seek the OPPOSITE meaning? Very GOOD! You're advancing rapidly!
When Gods told Adam, for example, that he would "Die", it would be tempting to think He really meant it....but churchese helps one to know better! Gods didn't intend for Adam to stop living- but to keep him and Eve alive FOREVER, so that They could TORTURE them forever. He even prepared some kind of pit, cave, hole in the earth, another dimension, a section next to heaven, etc (depending on which church you go to) where he has flames burning forever, worms and maggots with immortal souls- all that SOMEHOW can burn and chew on their spirit/souls!
Thus, "Die", in churchese, means (except with the chosen 'born-again' church members) means "Fry"! "In the Day you eat from that tree, you will certainly FRY", is what Gods REALLY said, in churchese. To get used to this concept, see the Brand New Translation- the RCV (Ridiculous Churchoid Version) at another section of this site; it will be invaluable to your comprhension of traditional church dogma!

When applied to 'born-again' churchoids, it again takes the opposite direction, meaning "Fly", since their blessed and holy immortal souls go floating off to heaven to play harps, or whatever, for all eternity....

Lesson #12...
The word "Only"...
What can this word POSSIBLY mean, you ask? I'm GLAD you asked, yet should well know, by now, that anything BUT what it really means...it means in Churchese!
For example, when Christ said his FATHER was the "only" true God, we can easily see that "only" actually means "some others", namely a Nameless Ghost-God, and Jesus as well, whom was raised to heaven (Acts 1) in a physical body- while his 2 Fellow Gods, and the many angels, have SPIRIT bodies!
Isn't learning churchese SO much fun? However, we still have MANY more lessons to come!

Lesson # 13...
The Word "Salvation"...
This is the most popular word in Churchese, since it simply means to utter a Magic Phrase, similar to Captain Marvel in Golden Age Comic Books ( "SHAZAM!")- and =POOF!= you're 'saved' (usually for all time, depending on the church you go to)! Isn't that WONDERFUL!!!! No need to study, learn, think, no need to worry about ANYTHING! You can do whatever you want; lie, steal, cheat, have affairs, etc- and it DOSEN'T MATTER buddy- yer SAVED!!!!!!
All the warnings in the Bible, and even Hellfire itself were only for the purpose of scaring the Hell out of you (literally), and to scare you to Heaven! WHAT a RELIEF! I'M ready! heh
The magic words of church Salvation? "I accept Jesus as my Personal Trainer....ooops!...Lord and Savior!" That's IT! We're SAVED! Now you can do anything you want- you're spared from the flames of Hellfire!

Lesson #14...
The Word "Love"...
Anyone who has read a little of the Bible know it says "God is Love". So to speak churchese properly, one must use the word in its proper sense... You REMEMBER?
EXCELLENT! Yes, the opposite of having strong care & affection is having a strong Hatred- so you are REALLY getting the hang of this unusual language!
To "love" means to "hate", in churchese - as proven by the dogma that the Gods of "love" have been somehow burning, and having worms chew on, the immortal spirit-souls of many millions of men, women, and children for thousands of years- with Eternity to go- in Hellfire. In addition, the Devil and the demons are there- adding to the Love the Gods display-
Doesn't that inspire YOU to show such a wonderful love? Who will YOU be torturing today? Maybe Gods will help keep them alive for a long time- for YOU to be able to show a Lotta love!

Lesson 15...
The word "Cult"...
Since most don't even knows what the word REALLY means- in English- here it is:
1 : formal religious veneration : WORSHIP
2 : a system of religious beliefs and ritual; also : its body of adherents
3 : a religion regarded as unorthodox or spurious; also : its body of adherents
4 : a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set forth by its promulgator
5 a : great devotion to a person, idea, object, movement, or work (as a film or book); especially : such devotion regarded as a literary or intellectual fad b : the object of such devotion c : a usually small group of people characterized by such devotion
Have your pills? In churchese, it means NONE of that, but is simplified to mean "Anyone who does not believe our Holy Dogma". Thus, with great & imaginary piety they label us a Cult. What ELSE can they do; they can't sensibly prove ANY of their silly dogma- so it's FAR easier to simply refer to us as a cult, as if that says it all.
(It does- but not as they think!)

Lesson 16...
The word "Gospel"....
Churchese favors archaic English, since it sounds like they KNOW something no one else does when they use it. Fact IS they know LESS than most everyone else.
Take, for example, the word "Gospel", the archaic word for "Good News". Just for fun, ask a church-goer what the 'gospel' is- any be ready to use the baseball bat on THEM! They will babble on and on about how "He's RISEN!", thus saving us from Hellfire... So, Good 'News', to one speaking churchese, means news that happened LONG ago in the past- in THIS case, an event that took place almost 2,000 years ago...
So, in short, "Gospel", in churchese. means "ancient history". When they grab you by the collar and ask if you've accepted Jesus as YOUR Personal Lord and Savior, it's time to call 911.

Lesson #17
The word "abstain"- see how EAST it's getting? Acts 15:29 says "You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.
Now we all know churchoids just don't want to accept anything from the Bible they don't care for- and they WANT their blood transfusions- and sexual adventures...and would likely WANT to sacrifice food to idols if their church ever started it...but I digress!
Ignoring the scriptures with the greatest of ease,are the babbling churchoids spouting churchese!
"Absatin" in churchese, as you can see by NOW means "to enjoy when anyone wishes"...

[teflonfanatic]

I actually found this quite humorous. 

Thank you for posting sflynt  and sheogorath15, I also find it quite humorous Be sure to do to themadjws.com and look up article "how to speak churches" for PICTURES!!!!!! If you can please get more people to see this!!!!

P.S. I believe in God, I just don't believe in the church and it's dogma

[sflynt]

I actually found this quite humorous. 

Thank you for posting sflynt  and sheogorath15, I also find it quite humorous Be sure to do to themadjws.com and look up article "how to speak churches" for PICTURES!!!!!! If you can please get more people to see this!!!!

P.S. I believe in God, I just don't believe in the church and it's dogma

Your welcome! I also believe in God...not sure where I stand when it comes to the church. I haven't been to church in YEARS. but only because I always had bad experiences with churches and hypocrites... It didn't make sense to me. I know what I believe and nothing can change my faith. I just don't take it to the extremes like most. Maybe thats wrong, I don't know, but I have questions like anyone else, and for some reason, no one could answer them.

[jordandog]

I somehow missed this topic until just now. That is some hilarious stuff there, teflonfanatic! I know you have alluded to not following all the dogma and what churches offer in the past, but you totally caught me off guard with this.

[teflonfanatic]

I don't think you did but please don't give me credit for this. The guy who runs themadjws.com site is a house like JW. You know the psychopathic english doctor on house!!!!!!!!!!!!!