As we progress into 2014

[cateyes1]

 I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

 I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

 I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

 Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

 I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

 ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

 I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

 I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

 I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer..

 And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

 I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

 I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me .....

 And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

 Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

 And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

 I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

 If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.



 



I know this will occur because I was told in an email that it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

 Oh, and by the way...

 A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

 Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!! .....

 P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

 NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!! ....



 We wish you a happy new year , a very healthy & prosperous 2014

                                 



 

[gaylasue]

I've been suffering from most of these for many years!!

[cateyes1]

I've been suffering from most of these for many years!!

You and me both!!

[bremer51]

I can relate. I'm deeply afraid of other people's germs.  I wouldn't think of sleeping under a hotel bedspread. I bring own bedding.