Need advice on a topic.

[kat112073]

I am happily married, however, one issue has bugged me for a while. I really don't like to discuss issues about my marriage, but I am really stuck on this issue. The problem is my husband has always been a loner, and when it is time for family functions, he really doesn't want to go. He has gone to some family functions,but I really feel he doesn't like my family. I know he loves me,but sometimes that is not enough. I am a family person,whether we fight,cry,etc. So, can someone please give some good advice here. I really do need it. I tried to discuss with him about seeing a counsler and he said no. He doesn't want to talk to the priest either. So, I really don't have to many options left. I don't want a divorce neither does he.

[msmoneybags48]

While I understand how it looks when you show up and your husband doesn't, I would just go and represent the two of us.  My husband loves being a part of the spotlight; my ex didn't.  His relatives would invite us to events and I took my daughter and represented the both of us.  I only recall twice when he actually came to an event given by his relatives; once was when my daughter was 4, nearing 5.  We abruptly left because he got angry.  The next time, his sister gave the event, and we went.  I got pissed because my daughter asked for some water and his sister's beau thought I was going to give her the cup on the table, which was filled with whiskey.  He actually said something to me, and I was going off.  His aunt told me to let it go.  At the same event, her beau started with her ex-sister in-law, so the event was opening up in a negative light.  Believe it or not, my ex went in her bedroom and slept through it.  My ex didn't talk to anyone either.  I got to the point where it did not matter and, after 20 years of going through his mess, I left him. We are now divorced, and I have married a good man.

[kapeh12]

From what you describe, I wouldn't think his reason for not going is that he doesn't like your family - like you said, he's a lone wolf.  Lone wolves don't like "big crowds".  He probably just feels uncomfortable at your family functions, not because it's your family, but because he probably prefers a quieter environment.

The problem, as I see it with your one paragraph, is not him, but you.  Accept him for who he is.  If he doesn't want to go, just be okay with that and go by yourself and have fun with your family.  As long as he has no problems with you going to your family functions, I see no problem with leaving him at peace at home.  The problem is you not accepting his desire to stay at home.  If you respect his desire to stay at home, you'll be making him happier, then it's a possibility, he might choose to accompany you to future functions (probably only if they are big events) to make you happy.  If he does decide to go on his own, don't expect him to go every time - thank him and appreciate him for choosing to go to the function he attends and let that be it - no expectation that he has to go to the next one.

Good men want to make their wives happy, but they desire their wife's respect in return.  Perhaps over time, he's subconsciously perceived you are not respecting his desire for solitude by constantly wanting him to attend these "family functions", and him "fighting" you about going is his way of pushing back - saying he's not feeling like you respect him.  You need to undo the pattern by respecting his wishes to not go.

Now if he doesn't want you to go either...then that might be a different circumstance...

[bremer51]

I am one of those "Loners." In fact, my husband is going to a family reunion on the 4th of July without me.  I don't really enjoy spending hours and hours visiting with people. I just CAN'T do it.  However, a good solution might be to attend family events for a shorter period of time.  Don't commit to a whole day...maybe just a couple of hours.  Or....there's always bribery. 

[Nancy5]

I know you want your husband by your side at family functions, but it seems like it makes him uncomfortable for a reason.

I would always ask him to come along, even if you know the answer, and then go by yourself and enjoy your time with your family.  If you have kids, take them along with you.  When you come home, tell him how much fun you had talking with Uncle .... Or Aunt ....  As long as he doesn't object to you going alone, I don't think it's that much of a problem.

We all have our little quirks, I love a clean house and try my best to clean it, I turn around and see my husband cleaning what I just cleaned!  He never says anything, but just does over what I just did.  It gets me so angry I could kill him, but then I think he's a great husband, a wonderful father and grandfather, and was always a good provider.  If that's how you feel about your husband, just let his quirk go, I know it doesn't make you happy, but who knows, he might gradually join you.  Good luck!

[kat112073]

Thank you all for your advice. I feel better after reading some stories and I don't feel so bad. I do agree, yes, sometimes I push him to come, but overall he his a great husband, a good provider, and loves me death for who I am. I also did forget to mention, that he has no relationship whatsoever with my parents. What do I do about that?

[kroberts13]

iam in the same bolt as you are, my husband is not a family going type of person he likes to stay home he dont like crowds,so i just stay home with him cause i dont like going alone.but when my family reunion comes around i go to that cause iam with my family and if he shows up good if not oh well.

[janel217]

Well the first thing that stands out to me in your post that YOU said that he has ALWAYS been a loner. Hmm, ,so that means you already know what you got when you married him. I'm not saying your wrong for wanting him to come around, but you knew. I'm happy that divorce is not an option ,because that wouldn't be fair. Just my opinion, hope i didn't offend. Good Luck!

[stretch1967]

Does he have any friends that he visits? If he is a loner then you got your answer. I have been through alot in my life.  I have been on a roller coaster with my health and relationships. You have to take him the way he is.  I have pretty much been through everything.

[queenofnines]

As long as he's still willing to go on some occasions and remain relatively pleasant, I don't see what the problem is. You can't force an anti‐social person to suddenly start loving people that he's not close to.

[bowrunner]

Too many people may very well overwhelm him and he's extremely uncomfortable.  I am also that way and I try to stay away from anything that requires me to talk to a bunch of people.

[stretch1967]

Try and get him outside and go camping a change may help.

[tyronicag]

you can go out on date night like in the beginning of your relationship, and fall in love all over again.