~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[tin8604]

Love all the quotes, great way to start the day with a chuckle.

[jcribb16]

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job."
~Samuel Goldwyn~


"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
~Rodney Dangerfield~


"Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished."
~Leslie Nielsen~

[DeliriousKris]

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

[jcribb16]

"I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too."
~ CoolFunnyQuotes.com ~

"If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door."
~ Anonymous ~


"I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning."
~ Anonymous ~

[DeliriousKris]

 “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson

[jcribb16]

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson

Ha ha!  That's a good one!   

[jcribb16]

"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong."

~ Charles Wadsworth ~


"Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either!"

~ Anonymous ~

[DeliriousKris]

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

[jcribb16]

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

~ Groucho Marx ~


"I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep."

~ Jim Loy ~

[remediagirl]

When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.~Anonymous

[jcribb16]

"I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? ....If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens."

~ Unknown ~


"I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I am looking in the mirror!"   
 
~ Ash Sweeney quotes ~


"If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it."

~ Unknown ~

[jcribb16]

"What I do when I see someone pretty is I stare I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down."
~ Anonymous ~

"I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning."
~ Anonymous ~

"You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that's when you know something's wrong."
~ Anonymous ~

[jacksje07]

A blind squirl finds a nut sometimes

[springsgardner]

 Mark Twain "Don't let school get in the way of your education."

[DeliriousKris]

Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx