~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[DeliriousKris]

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

[DeliriousKris]

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel

[DeliriousKris]

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

[DeliriousKris]

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg

[DeliriousKris]

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden

[DeliriousKris]

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H. L. Mencken

[plennis]

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." — Mark Twain   
 

[DeliriousKris]

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

[ejholt]

I bought a pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket.  As the cashier rang it up, I asked, " How do you pronounce that?"  Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said, "Four dollars and seventy-five cents"

[DeliriousKris]

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

[countrygirl12]

If any of you are on pinterest you need to search for "grumpy cat" or just google "pictures of grumpy cat".
It is hilarious.  I saw one last night that I have randomly cracked up since I saw it.

It's an older woman and she has a caption that says "Where would I be without life alert" and the next picture has grumpy cat and he says "on the floor".  Funnier if you see the actual pictures.  I put the pictures on a card and mailed it to my Mammaw.  Yes, I got way to much laughter out of that but it is hilarious.  And she will think it is too.

Check it out.

[DeliriousKris]

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

[DeliriousKris]

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

[DeliriousKris]

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin

[DeliriousKris]

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead