Viewing a family member that has passed away

[tzs]

I was just curious on this subject, because my Father-in-Law passed away. Do you think its okay for your child to view the body with you in the hospital, more specifically, a 3 yr old? We didn't let her see her papa when he passed, but I am left wondering why we didn't let her see him one last time. His body was cremated.
Any thoughts on this?

[pirewolf]

Well I would say it depends on the condition of the body, but I know when I was little my family didn't even let me go to the funerals at all. So when people died and I was little I didn't understand. Kids are visual and even though they will be sad they need to see the person to understand that this is the person that is not coming to see you anymore. I would always ask and until I got older I actually had no idea who had died. Kids don't always put the name to the face until they are 5 or 6. My son is almost 5 and he still doesn't always use the right names or understand that his sister is not just a friend but his sister. I just think everyone should get the right to say goodbye. I would not want my kids to not see me one last time if I died tomorrow, and then ask everyday for the next couple years when I was coming home to my hubby. My hubby went to afghan and my son knew he was at work, but still asked everyday when he was coming home. They have no sense of time, so they will ask and then you will be sad again. But if they can see and remember when they saw him, and you take the time to explain what dead means they will be fine. My husband didn't get to see his grandma before she died, because his mom thought it would be too hard with her having Alzheimer's. But she didn't let him go to the funeral either, so when I first met him his biggest fear was dieing. Either way you have to make sure that you explain it in a way that your child will understand you can be upset, but that death is normal and ok.

[sak4kat]

Well I would say it depends on the condition of the body, but I know when I was little my family didn't even let me go to the funerals at all.

- I agree with this comment.  Personally I don't think any of my 3 children would need to experience that kind of closure at age 3.  They have few memories as it is of those years...I wouldn't want them to remember there grandparent in a hospital setting. 

[tzs]

I guess my thing is this, she is very smart for her age, and has VIVID memories of her papa, she talks about him everyday, and I feel like she has no closure.

[Mykat]

 My first husband died when our daughter was three and I did not let her go to the funeral.She was very smart too, but personally, I feel a three year old, no matter how smart, is too young to mentally process seeing someone that they loved so dearly--dead. I feel closure only comes with time and lots of talking about and remembering all the wonderful things about the person we loved. JMO

[tzs]

Thanx for your thoughts guys, I know now I did the right thing by not letting her go back there at the emergency room.

[lbryanwf]

 I'll assume we are talking about a natural passing and not a murder or suicide. For a 3 year old, if it is handled the right way, It can give a child a non fearing attitude about death. Adults should not demonstrate hysterical grief in front of the child as it could be traumatizing. If you explain to the child that grandpa is with the angels, and that it is  the natural way, it can be part of the childs growth and learning process. Whether to do this is or not is totally an individual decision. In some cultures it is an automatic thing.

[habby82]

I myself think he/she should be able to see a family member that has passed away. most people don't like to do it because they think they won't understand it which none of them do.But they have the right to be told so they will understand and at three years old they will ask ? alot of them about the situation but they should still know what's going on and to be able to see whoever has passed.

[jordandog]

I feel closure only comes with time and lots of talking about and remembering all the wonderful things about the person we loved.

I agree completely. The worst thing an adult can do is act like they don't hear a child's questions about the person who died simply because they are 'uncomfortable' answering. I also detest telling a child who is very young that the person is 'sleeping'! That will only leave the child confused and wondering/waiting for the person to 'wake up' again.

@tzs: I know when my sons were young, I wrote a letter for them to the family member. I asked them all the things they would like grandma (example) to know. It didn't matter if it was their new favorite cereal, that they had learned a new word, made a new best friend, etc. It didn't matter if the person would never get the letter, but was a great way to encourage them to not just be quiet and confused about the whole process. Everytime they achieved something huge (at times only huge in their little minds, lol) like tying their shoes, taking the training wheels off the bike, I would say "Grandma would be so proud of you too!" It helped a lot. So many think that a young(er) child cannot really have any grief over a death, anymore than they think an animal can grieve, but they both do. You did the right thing in how you handled the [not] viewing and I know you'll handle the next things your daughter will be facing in the near future too. I'm sorry for your loss.

[noirlupe]

I dont let my kids see the bodies but they do go to the funerals.  It gives them the chance to understand and say their goodbyes.