This is just me venting!

[BK_Adores_Chase]

He says because he pays a better half of the bills he doesn't feel like he needs to - I'm in charge of the grocery shopping, cleaning, putting our son to bed and making sure he's taken care of, cooking, ect.  On top of all that I have 2 jobs and go to school full time.  I wouldn't mind because I like being busy, but now with school it's a little overwhelming.  I haven't been able to clean and our dishes are piled sky high and we need clean laundry so I just wash it and make a clean pile in our room because I have to get my homework done somewhere in between the 60 hours I'm attending school and work.  Like 2 days ago all I asked is that he take the garbage out - I just ended up doing it this morning because I got sick of looking at it.  It's like - okay this whole thing is me venting I guess - he goes to work, and I know his job is harder to mine and yeah he pays more bills, but does that mean that I get punished by having no time to myself?  After work, he goes fishing or plays video games or gets on the computer.  When is it my turn to relax?  The other day both of us were sitting down doing nothing and he's like, "What, you're not going to finish my spaghetti?"  Really - we're both doing nothing and you can't get up off your butt and stir some noodles around?  It seems like every time I try to talk to him about the subject he throws it in my face "Well I'd like you to pay more bills, but we can't all get what we want."  I wish we could have a grown up conversation about something - but his comeback for EVERYTHING is the bills subject.  I've worked nights 3 nights in a row and he can't even give our son a bath before bed?  WTF gross.

[anguyen21]

Well, get revenge.  Make him aware that you do a lot more than he thinks your doing.  Just do yours and your son's laundry.  Leave his trash in the area he usually sits around and just clean up your messes.  You shouldn't have to clean after him and you shouldn't be the only one that cleans.  If he continues to act that way he obviously doesn't care for you so leave him.  Take child support and make the *bleep* suffer. 

[dreamyxo]

Yeah it really sucks when one partner doesn't do their fair share around the house.  It's not fair to have one person do everything around the house especially if both of you work.  How was he raised?  Did his mommy do everything for him?  Was he not taught how to cook and clean for himself?  Pick a time when both of you are relaxed and in a good mood and tell him that you need more help around the house.

As far as you taking the time for yourself you have to take the time.  So what if laundry doesn't get done for three days the world is not going to end.  Focus on what you can do in the time you can do it.  Your time is just as valuable as his.  You are not his maid or his mama.  Nip it in the bud before it gets worse.  

[dreamyxo]

Well, get revenge.  Make him aware that you do a lot more than he thinks your doing.  Just do yours and your son's laundry.  Leave his trash in the area he usually sits around and just clean up your messes. 

I was going to suggest this too.  I was going to say stop cooking and cleaning all together but not knowing what kind of person the op's bf is it might start a huge argument and no telling how he'd react.  He might then call her lazy yada, yada. 

[jcribb16]

I'm really sorry you have to deal with that.  Unfortunately, it seems to happen a lot.  I hope, after a couple of good suggestions from other posters, that things will turn around for you.  Hang in there. He doesn't see yet what your going to school will provide for your family down the road.  He needs to have his eyes opened.  Keep us posted, if you would like to.

[loulizlee]

You said it in one part of your venting when you mentioned his childish conversations - you married a child!  He sounds like an emotional 10-year-old (or younger).  I don't blame you for venting - sometimes it helps to vent a little.  But if you keep letting him get by with his behavior, he won't change.  He sounds like he needs some professional help.  I have been married 47 years, and believe me we have had times when we had to work things out, but my husband has never been selfish.  He has always helped when he could with every part of housework and raising our daughter.  And our daughter has a husband who is a lot like her father - he helps in every way with their 2 1/2 year old.  I'm not saying this to brag (maybe just a little  ), but he is missing a big part of the children's lives, and he will regret it one day.  Hopefully, there will not be another generation of selfish men.  Please take care of yourself, and I hope and pray he will see how much he is missing before it is too late.

[workmama]

OMG!!  That's terrible. If I was you, I would definetely be leaving him.    No woman should be treated like that. I can not believe he actually said, "Are you going to finish my spaghetti or what?"     Reminds me of that movie "Precious". After reading your "venting post", I realized how lucky I am. I am in a relationship in which we split everything 50/50. Housework, bills, childcare, chores, errands....you name it. I don't think your boyfriend is worth it. I once had a terrible relationship which was similiar to yours. Everyone told me to leave, and when I did...it felt so great!
Sometimes you really have to go with what is in your head instead of your heart. I hope you make the right choice. 

[kapeh12]

In addition to some of the other suggestions posted, another one I've heard of is since you mentioned how obsessed he is with paying bills...perhaps you should create an itemized list of charges he should pay you for all the free service you provide.  Look for how much it would cost to pay someone else to do the shopping, nanny, cook, clean, etc - from dawn to dusk - and give it to him in black and white.  Then ask what he did that day.  I've heard this helps some guys realize exactly how much the woman does for them for no pay and little thanks/appreciation.

Either that or when he asks for dinner, tell him it'll be $15 plus tip to be served; $35/hour to do his laundry, not including expenses, etc...   

Hope he opens his eyes to realize he needs to be a participant in upkeep of the house and rearing of your child.

[Valerie1979]

Mothers/wives usually do more and have less R&R time-- it's our nature, but you should not be unappreciated or expected to be his cook/maid/etc.

Make him aware of all you do by leaving it undone.
My husband pays our household bills... I contribute an agreed upon amount, I pay our health insurance and bills, I do groceries and gas for my car and all the "extra's" needed for the house and/or our son (toiletries, clothes, hats/mittens, etc).... I know my husband understands my contributions and I know he is thankful for all I do so it makes a bit easier but there still times I feel unappreciated.

You have to make your feelings known to him

[charmaine56]

 
Most men dont understand yet that the patriarchal dominate society has ended. It did not work. Men think its ok to go to topless bars and give money to the topless server then go home and boss the wife around. Most men will go to a pole dancing nudity place and give the money away then go home and harass the woman who had their children. Seeing them asleep they may yell. Get up *bleep*. Clean this or that for me. This is the patriarchal society gone to far to one extrememe. Then theres the other extreme. The co-denpendant man who does everything for his wife to the extremee that she would not be able to function without him. He stops her when she tries to do something for herself, yet he is out at times trying to get friends to have sex with him. It doesnt make sense to me these either who care for the woman but keep her as some prize he won while he does his thing. And these two types of men are the ones you see in the catholic or baptist church hiding and most likely a mason or has been. They think they are being controlled if the woman has a little freedom to rest before she does something else for him so they must start controlling. Or they think they are losing control in the other scenario if the woman does anything for her self. Both will discourage her from having friends because friends usually see what is going on. What men just dont understand is that when they treat a woman good and do the cooking when she put in 60 hours a week. Or take care of the child. They dont understand that that is when they have the control. When they loved a woman and she loved him back. I sure hope those men who have not woken up yet for the patriarchal dominating society will wake up soon and know that giving love is a great thing. for now give him the old  and let him clean up after himself. You just might be learning something that help you when you do decide to leave him if he doesnt shape up. 

[dreamyxo]

Well has anything changed since your post in October?

[briannajeanxo]

my fiancees the same way but is stingy with his money, hardly buys the baby anything and i have to beg him too..but is saving to upgrade a tv. he says he babysits his own son. and if the baby is crying he makes me get up from doing something cause he's playing wow or black ops.. or texts me at work..like really? im at work! wtf! and in the almost 3 months we've had our son he hasnt gotten up once in the middle of the night..cause he works..so do i..i went back 2 weeks after having my son cause i needed to support him.

[Valerie1979]

my fiancees the same way but is stingy with his money, hardly buys the baby anything and i have to beg him too..but is saving to upgrade a tv. he says he babysits his own son. and if the baby is crying he makes me get up from doing something cause he's playing wow or black ops.. or texts me at work..like really? im at work! wtf! and in the almost 3 months we've had our son he hasnt gotten up once in the middle of the night..cause he works..so do i..i went back 2 weeks after having my son cause i needed to support him.

are you sure you want to marry this man?  This is not likely to change

[dreamyxo]

my fiancees the same way but is stingy with his money, hardly buys the baby anything and i have to beg him too..but is saving to upgrade a tv. he says he babysits his own son. and if the baby is crying he makes me get up from doing something cause he's playing wow or black ops.. or texts me at work..like really? im at work! wtf! and in the almost 3 months we've had our son he hasnt gotten up once in the middle of the night..cause he works..so do i..i went back 2 weeks after having my son cause i needed to support him.

are you sure you want to marry this man?  This is not likely to change

Seriously you are doing everything by youself anyway so why do you need him other than to help pay the bills.  Like the saying goes you can do bad all by yourself.  You're not his mama.  You might as well just be roommates because that's how he's acting.  Do for yourself and your child and leave him to fend for himself.

[cubarican210]

BK_Adores_Chase, I feel so bad for you. My dad was exactly like that with my mom until they got divorced. Now he's still like that with his current wife. He pays the bills but he's lazy. As for me, My husband is nothing like my father. My husband has washed laundry since we got married. I can say I've only done the laundry once or twice. It's been 3 years since we got married. I do the cooking. Sometimes, he'll make breakfast for me on the weekends when he's in the mood to. He'll take out the trash. He washes his own dishes. I can't complain. That's why I feel so bad for you because I'm really lucky to have someone to help me out. You may love him really much but I suggest you give him an ultimatum. Either he changes his childish ways or he can get kicked to the curb. What got me the most was that he doesn't want to give your son a bath. That's not hard to do at all. He really needs some type of help. Something is just not right with him. He's not opening his eyes to what he could be losing.