My parents aren't happy...

[froggylover227]

For those of you who follow me, you know that over the past few months, I've decided to move from New Jersey to Massachusetts to be with my boyfriend and have sought advice in regards to breaking the news to my family. Well, my boyfriend came to visit me this weekend and we had the talk with my parents. It didn't go horrible, but it didn't really go great either.

My mother took it better than I thought. She kept saying though that she wants me to be happy but not make her unhappy and how me leaving is making her unhappy. She said she is happy that I am happy with my boyfriend, but that she wishes the distance wasn't an issue, and of course she had lots of questions about how I will afford to move, what kind of job I will get, and how I will maintain a relationship with them. She kept saying "well as long as it isn't happening tomorrow, I guess we will take it day by day" which almost makes me feel like she is hoping my relationship won't last until next January, when the move will happen. But overall, she took it better than I thought and was joking with me and boyfriend later that night and was fine with us.

My father was a different story. He said he was expecting this, but isn't happy about it and doesn't have to like it. He copped an attitude with us, and began using scare tactics by saying things like "you'll never find a job as good as the one you have now, you'll need health insurance and if you don't get it you'll get fined" and things like that. When I told him I'm an adult and this is what I want, he bought up my previous marriage and claimed I knew what I wanted then too (which is untrue, as I was 22 and just wanted to get out of my house and married for all the wrong reasons). He just kept saying "well I don't have to like it" and later that night barely said anything to us and has had an attitude with me ever since.

I understand they are my parents and don't want to lose me. I am not asking them to like it, I'm just asking that they understand it. I told them that just because I'm moving 4 hours away doesn't mean I'm dissing them or won't be in touch with them. I'll make regular visits to them monthly like my sister who lives 3 hours away in Maryland does. I told them not to worry about me finding a good job because I've already looked into some, and everyone I work with tells me how with all my skills, I won't have a problem finding something. I'm not worried about those things, and feel like they shouldn't be either. It's my life, I need to do what makes me happy and being with my boyfriend makes life worth living for me.

Having that talk with them was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, but it was necessary. I just hope they both realize that this isn't anything like my last relationship, and that at 30 years old, I'm fully capable of making decisions like this, and whether they like it or not, it's going to happen. They are my parents and I love them, and hope they don't hold a grudge against me for the rest of my life over this, but either way, my mind is made up and next January, I will be living in Massachusetts.

[debidoo]

Well at 62 years of age I can tell you that my philosophy is that you only live once and if you don't do those things that make you happy you may never get a chance.  Now with that said as someone who has lost both her parents I would say do endeavor to maintain a relationship as often as you can with your parents because you won't always have them.  I was curious there isn't any way your boyfriend could make the move?  Either way good luck to you all.

[froggylover227]

Well at 62 years of age I can tell you that my philosophy is that you only live once and if you don't do those things that make you happy you may never get a chance.  Now with that said as someone who has lost both her parents I would say do endeavor to maintain a relationship as often as you can with your parents because you won't always have them.  I was curious there isn't any way your boyfriend could make the move?  Either way good luck to you all.

Thank you for the advice! I definitely plan on maintaining a relationship with them, I even told them I would download Skype on their laptop so that we could video chat. As for my boyfriend moving here to New Jersey, that wouldn't really be feasible for a few reasons: first, all of the things we do together that we enjoy are up in Massachusetts, like snowmobiling and ATVing, second of all, his job actually pays better than mine, and third, his parents are going to let us live with them for a year so that we can save up to afford our own apartment. I'm sure everything will work out, I just hope my parents will learn to deal with it.

[Nancy5]

I feel sorry for you, you are torn between your parents and your boyfriend.  I understand their fears, one daughter 3 hours away, and now you 4 hours away.  I feel bad for them, but....you have to live your life for you, not for them.  Sure it will be hard, but they will adjust, I assume they adjusted with your sister.  You only go around once, if this man makes you happy, and you love each other, my advice is go!  Please don't let love go out the window, you may never find love again and I'm sure you will get a job and things will work out.  Put Skype on their computer and next year, pack your things, they'll them you will come back monthly, tell them you will call them everyday if that's what they want, kiss them, then tell them you love them, and walk out the door.  You will (and so will they) be fine.  Good luck!

[ancmetro]

   It is your life! Don't you forget! Your parents probably did they same things before they settle down. You have to live your life and plan your own happiness.

[sak4kat]

Speaking for my myself based on my own experiences I've learned yes it's true my life is my life.  My choices are mine and the end result weather + or - are mine to deal with.  I've also learned after my own poor choices (3 marriages later w/3kids) I made some poor decisions.  I lived with my now husband for 4 years before we got married...although that consisted of my moving out briefly... lots of bad choices affecting more than just me.  We'll have been officially married for one year come April... since we said our do's are started making decisions based on our faith and for the reasons God brought us together...it's been smooth sailing. . . so far.

My Mom has her own share of poor choices to deal with.... so she best weed her own garden before worrying about mine.  My father passed when I was 15.... just recently I've realized how toxic my Mom's live in boyfriend situation is to me.... so I'm backing away from her...I'm happier... and that's my choice.

Your choice - your results to live with.

[dreamyxo]

Too bad they'll get over it.  You're not 18 you're a grown adult and have every right to live your own life on your own terms and they will deal.

[debidoo]

It will all work out - seems that things always do - your parents obviously love you a lot and you obviously love them a lot an love always prevails.  My parents were unhappy about a lot of decisions over the years that I made including marrying my husband and that lasted 34 years until he passed away.  So hang in there.  You need to do what makes you happy too - can't just do what your parents want you to do.

[froggylover227]

Thanks for all the advice so far everyone! It's definitely helping me feel less overwhelmed and more confident in myself!

[ghunter]

You are grown and I am sure they may not be happy but they respect your decision.  I know how they feel, no parent are happy when their children move far away

[BlackSheepNY]

They're your parents, and no matter how old you get, they'll worry about you.  Years ago, people didn't move around the country like they do today.  A family made their home in one place and that's where they stayed 'til the day they died.  It's very hard for older parents to understand why you want to leave.  Sometimes, some parents may take your leaving as a personal affront.  I'm sure they're worried about the state of the economy and all the trouble that comes with it.  It's not easy for many people today and your Dad, especially, just don't understand why you would leave the security of a good job you already have (and your family being close by) for the unknown.

I wish you well and hope that everything goes to your planning and liking.  I think they'll be OK once they know YOU'RE OK.  By that I mean, you're settled, you've got yourself a job, and you're living a normal and happy life with your boyfriend.  Of course, those "visits" you plan on making will keep them happy, too.  They'll be able to see with their own eyes that you're doing OK.  Your Dad may relax in due time once he sees you're happy and doing well.  Good luck to you.

[snuggleycutejc]

Buttt....you got to do what you got to do. My kids told me there's skype, the telephone, geeze then she told me to be happy for me, and she is doing well I am proud of her, and they can come back if it needs-to-be. Try and positive try. Life don't have to be a *bleep*, but it can.

[Penwoir]

Hi there! I've written here before and I still fully support your views and decisions. It makes absolute sense that if your boyfriend has a better paying job, and is happy in his job, that you are the one to make your move. I know your father didn't take your news so well but I take this as a sign that he loves you very much and wants the best for you. He is however slightly biased and his view is blurred by his own emotions . He will get on board with your decision, but it is going to take time, possibly a long time. He is probably under the mistaken belief that once you have moved, he has lost his little girl. Might I make a suggestion. When I relocated myself from the UK to the US (5,000 miles away) to marry my American husband, we put Skype on our priority list but we didn't wait until I had moved before we started Skyping. We started immediately. So my parents got a good idea what communicating with me would be like, before I made the move. I purchased a globe for myself (actually my husband bought it for me for my birthday) so I could see my home country whenever I wanted to. We booked flights to return to the UK for a summer vacation before we left, and all these things made it a little more tolerable for my parents. For the next few years, we flew to the UK every summer so I could spend quality time with my family and we continued to do this until my father passed away. I don't know if you have any children, but if you do, you will know that the best thing a parent can ask for is that their child is happy. I'm sure all parents (as least, the loving, nurturing ones) would love for their children to live just down the street, but that idea is about 30 years out of date now. It is unfair for your parents to make you feel guilty about your choices, even if it doesn't suit them. If everybody thought like your father currently does, no kids would ever be allowed to sign up for military service, and then what state would the world be in. Be patient with them. They will come to terms with your situation, it will just take time. Once they see you are entirely happy, they will accept your decision and make the best of it. From what I've seen, all your followers feel the same way.