What to do when you have romantic feelings for a friend that....

[bostonbrandy]

...you have know for over 10 years!!!! I first met him when I was dating his best friend, we were only teenagers, I was 17, him 16. Now over 10 years later, I consider him a great friend, he knows I have stronger feelings for him, but he won't come out and either tell me to hit the road, or if he'd like to give it a try, or he doesn't want to risk ruining the friendship.....there are so many replies, but he just avoids it, or changes the topic when I bring it up! Some times I feel like doing this  because I have felt this way for a while, and I'd like to know if I should move on, or if  and  I would actually succeed in something more then close friends.
I need some advice.....please??

[chicken64]

I actually believe that you should just hold on right now.  It's not like he's dating someone is he?  But, even though it seems like he doesn't feel the same way that you do, he might just need a bit more time before he finally sees into you.  I was in kind of the same situation.  I liked this girl for about 7 years who was dating someone else.  I felt like giving in or just move on, but I always had hope that someday things will work out all right.  And here we are.   

[jan8904]

It might just be me, but I like to confront things. I can't stand sitting back and wondering about things. If it was me, I would just tell him outright how I feel and ask him about it. You can't be mad or upset with him if he isn't interested. Make sure you let him know that it doesn't change your friendship and that if anything, it was hurting your friendship by not telling him.

[PMZ908]

All relationships have unwritten rules and boundaries. Friendships and especially good friendships still have those rules and boundaries that both persons have accepted and followed over the years. These relationship boundaries and arrangements can remain steady for many years. 

When you informed your friend that you liked him in a romantic way, you changed the boundaries and agreements in the friendship. When we change the conditions in an existing relationship or friendship, the other party is often perplexed and confused about their next move. It’s their turn to re-evaluate the relationship. It’s like having lunch with the same co-worker for ten years  always discussing work, friends, family, current events, etc.  then one day announcing you’d like to have a romantic relationship. Many people are uncomfortable when a relationship changes, often electing to reduce the “best friend” to a “friend” status. I suspect your friend has reassessed your relationship and dropped you to a friend level…at least until he decides what to do in the future. You may have lost your “best friend” rating but still retain a friendship.

Now what do you do? Further discussion would likely move him further away, as you suspect. In these situations, it’s helpful to accept your reduced friendship rating and be a friend. As he evaluates his feelings about the friendship, he may return and reestablish the best friend relationship…with the understanding that romance is not involved. In the co-worker example, it’s when the surprised co-worker returns to say “We can continue to go to lunch, but I want no conversations about a romantic or sexual relationship!” At that point, they continue to go to lunch and talk about friends, work, current events, etc. I hope this helps.

[bostonbrandy]

Thank you all so much for your awesome feedback! Especially you PMZ908, you must be either a relationship expert, or a psychologist  Either way, the advice you gave was amazing, and actually put my mind to ease a bit. He was never my "best friend" just one of the few friends I have, and pretty much the only one I could ever count on. We know each other so well, we are both in the same spot in life, and have always had a unique bond, but I'd rather keep him as my friend then push him away with my romantic feelings. Thanks PMZ!
and thanks again to everyone else who replied, appreciate it! 

[angel379227]

Well the best advice is normally what you wanted to do anyways, so there ya go.

[jongarton]

Good job PMZ what are you Dr. Phil in disguise? But I have to admit if you were friends and you were to pressure the situation it could really get UGLY in a hurry so be thankful for your friendship and set feelings of romance aside maybe one day he may feel the same and then all is forgiven!

[PMZ908]

lol no im not a relationship expert, or a psychologist....lets just say i can relate, and im glad if it helped you 

[irishlady1970]

Judging from what you have said he probably would rather remain friends. If he was interested in a romantic relationship he would embrace the idea not avoid it. You need to decide whether you can remain a friend if romance is not in the cards for you. If he is a good friend to you now, then chances are he will always be here for you as a good friend. you never know later on down the road he may change his mind about a romantic relationship with you and make that long awaited advance. I have a saying that I love, it is "The best things come to those who wait". 

[sgluckadoo]

dont ruin the friendship!!!!!

[jusu]

dont ruin the friendship!!!!!

I totally agree. Good Friends are hard to find so we should cherish the ones we have. Time will tell.


Thank you PMZ908, too...you made some excellent points that helped me with a situation that I'm going through right now. More of the 'how to react to someone who is being a bit forward in a business relationship'. I wasn't sure how to handle it. Thank you.

[dreamyxo]

Move on.  He's just not that into you.  If he knows how you feel about him and he wanted a relationship with you, he'd already be your man.  He just wants to be friends but he's afraid of hurting your feelings.  He's trying to let you down easy by avoiding the topic.

[mommadixon]

i say that you should just remain friends because if the relationship does not work out then the friendship might fail to because of acquardness or fighting depending on how the relationship ends but again that is a big decision that you two have to make on your own.