advice needed

[jiuchan]

I'm married (yes I'm happy). right now, the husband and i live separately (we're not separated). we got married so i can be part of his health insurance. and at that time, i was still in school and there isn't a campus where he lives (university of phoenix). nearest one was an hour away so we agreed i'd stay til i finish. i finished school finally last year. and i haven't moved in with him yet mainly because we had disagreements on where to live. he wanted me to move in with him with his parents, and i told him i don't want to unless he moves out. he finally agrees. so we're waiting for him to finish paying off his car payments so we can afford the rent.

anyway, i told my sister that i will be moving in with him next year and she tells me that she doesn't trust him and doesn't like him because he doesn't talk to them at all. he's very anti social and very introverted like me. he gets along with my parents. but my sister has been in spain for the past 3 years so she didn't really get to know him whenever he came over to my place. (he lives 2 hours away by the way). Anyway, she doesn't want me to move in with him unless he gets to know her. From what she told me, she thinks that his parents will treat me like hell cause with his culture, the women are "under" the men. I told him we're not gonna live in with his parents, so now she's telling me that he has to get to know her.

so I need an advice. Every Saturday, I go to meetings that's 30 minutes away from where he lives so I think it's a waste of gas if he came over Saturday (where I live 2 hours away) and then come home Sunday when my meetings are only 30 minutes away from him.

Honestly, I don't think my sister has the right to say those stuff when she was gone for 3 years and missed those times. To me, I think she's just being over protective and sheltering me from harm that may come. But she along with my parents have been doing that and I've been depending too much on them. It's time for me to take the step to start depending on myself. But I don't know how to tell her that. My mom understands, but my sister doesn't. My dad understands halfway too.

What to do? Please let me know of your opinions. Thanks!

[countrygirl12]

Your sister does not have the right to say anything even if she lived here the whole time.  Honestly, I do not agree with marrying someone just to have insurance.  And if you have never lived together and you used the insurance and they knew you only married so you could have insurance it could cause some problems.  I would be careful who I told that too.

You do not need your sister's approval and he does not have to get to know HER before YOU can move in with him.  If he is your husband (you said you were married) then you need to move in together and be married.  If you are not going to do that then you need to divorce and live your own lives.  And you can get your own insurance or do without like the majority of Americans do. 

The "university of phoenix" is an online school so why do you need to be close to a campus? 

I am also curious as to what culture he is that the women are under the men?  If that is how he was raised and what he believes then he is not going to stray from that for you.  He may say he will.  But then again, he married you and has never lived with you.  I would def be finding out if he is a momma's boy or if he is going to live his own life.  I am thinking no if he just wants you to love in with him and his mommy and daddy.

[Nancy5]

There us nothing more I can say to you.  Countrygirl said exactly what I would say to you.

[6265AT99]

First of all it was YOUR CHOICE whom to marry so that should "cancel out" anything your sister thinks she knows about your husband; secondly, the only question that comes to mind for me is:  Do you trust him??  If your answer is yes, do what you think is best and start your lives together.  Good luck!

[JaniceSW]

Past behavior is an indication of future behavior.  You also have to be insightful and have enough living under your belt to read people a little bit.

What signs have you seen regarding how he will treat you and make the marriage a priority?

How does he act when around his parents?  He should be respectful but at the same time be clear that he understands he is in another culture now where expectations and roles are different.  Do you see these type of behaviors?  What does that "little voice" tell you?  Are your eyes and ears wide open?  Do you feel good about what you see and hear?  Do you listen to him and what he is saying and does he listen to you?  Hear what he says but believe what he does (or doesn't do)!!!!!

Do you feel that the both of you communicate well and usually reach an understanding or does the same subject keep coming up over and over but never settled?

Are you just scared or does the "little voice" just keep talking to you with objective doubts?  If you have good insight, logic, and judgment in most cases, I would say to listen to that little voice.

What kind of feelings do you have for him?  What kind of feelings do you think he has for you?  Is this about insurance and/or a green card?  Lots of things to think about and examine.   

Your sister really has no place in this unless she has VALID, OBJECTIVE points regarding his behavior.  Then, sometimes people see things we don't or don't want to.

[reiddb]

You are married....you are to be with him....not your sister.  Be with him.

[autumnsparklemom]

This is your husband not your sister. Things will work out as they should.

[aggie49]

i agree with all others its your life and if your happy that's what counts don't let no one tell you different good luck and hope you have a wonderful life with your husband

[sherryinutah]

Be in the driver's seat in your own life and follow your heart.  Don't allow yourself to be influenced by what others want you to do.  Be strong and empowered.

 

[bremer51]

Deep down inside you know the right answer. Follow that instinct. If you have some doubts, find out what you need to know. Then go forward.

[mardukblood2009]

I think you should have waited to get married because it is already not working. I get the healthy care thing but there are other options.

[jiuchan]

thanks everyone, after some thinking i am gonna live my own life and stay with him no matter what my sister says. i figured that she's pretty much what's making my life miserable so its time to get away from it.

THANK YOU ALL!!!