Where's the "Maria Bamford" for ME?

[mythociate]

I mean---the original is awesome, but I'm too "inconvenient" for her (besides, she's 43 years old; she probably wouldn't go for me unless 1) she goes cruising my Warr Acres/Bethany (Oklahoma) neighborhood's churches for disabled 'pups' & 2) 32 is young enough to count as a 'pup.'

And maybe she does go 'cruising for pups'---the personal-life section of her Wikipedia page doesn't say she doesn't!