MY FIANCE WANTS ME TO GET A FULL TIME JOB

[demaina]

I have no experience in this field (single with no kids) so my opinion might not be all that valid.

Personally, I'd like to stay home with my kids if I had the choice.  Kids are amazing and I'm sure it's even more amazing when they are yours.  My mom has told me tons of stories about how when I was <insert age> I did <insert something>.  It's sorta embarrassing to hear these stories all the time, but then you realize that this person truly cares about you enough to remember this story.  I'd like to give that to my kids instead of having a sitter or someone else have these experiences.  In addition, what happens if the kid is at school and gets picked on?  I'd rather be there to greet them after school and talk to them about it then hear it hours later if at all.  My one friend came to my house and started crying about something that happened to her at school and explained how she told her parents when they got home from work but they (sorta) told her to get over it.  I'm not saying you'd be like them, but if a kid is hurt over something, it's better to be there for them immediately then when work gets out.

Now, as far as the finances go, I'd just like to point out that you do have a job.  It's not like you are just sitting at home not doing anything all day.  Generally moms do tons of work throughout the day and on top of that, you are going to a night job.  Obviously it's not enough in his opinion, but you aren't just dumping all the bills on him.  Paying for all that is going to have to factor in and if $9 is your starting salary, you'd almost be better off staying with your current situation and pulling a few extra shifts.

I'm kinda with vickysue on how it sounds like he wants his life to remain the same but hopes you'll change to make it easier.  If he wants to go back to school, he could take 1 or 2 courses at a time and still be fine.  It's not like he has to go back full time or anything.  Plus, does he think if you get a full time job that he can just quit and focus on school?  It doesn't sound like that would be possible even if you get a full time job so why have your kids lives, your life, and his life all change at the same time.  That just seems like a lot of stress to throw on a new marriage.

One question I don't think anyone has asked yet is do you guys really need the money or are you stable at the moment and he just wants to do a bit better?  You don't have to answer that, but it's something to think about.  There nothing wrong with wanting things to be better, but he should be the one trying to change first before saying you should.

I'd also like to point out the fact (at least when you posted this) that he's your FIANCE.  You aren't even married yet and he thinks things should change.  That kinda screams 'what the heck' to me but obviously I don't know everything about the situation.  If this is a soon to be new marriage, kinda worries me.  Again, I've never been married, so perhaps I'm wrong or I'm taking this whole thing out of context, but it just sorta bugs me when others think they can tell you what to do and you should do it.  I mean, heck, even if you both sit down and figure out that you working full time would be better, it's still up to you to do it.


As others have mentioned, you both REALLY need to talk.  In fact, you might even want to set a date with him on when you both can talk about all of this and kinda warn him you'll be researching these things so you both can figure this out.  That then gives him some time to do research as well to sorta support his side so it isn't like you're ambushing him with research to support yours.  You should also look at your bills currently and see if there is anywhere you could cut back to help save.  For instance, I don't know what you're feeding your kids, but when I was a baby, my mom said she bought actually vegetables, blended them up, poured it into ice cube trays and froze it, and fed us that instead of the jarred baby food.  And by using the ice cube trays, you can adjust the amount of food very easily.

I wish you the best with this situation and I hope you find the best outcome.

[kapeh12]

Just to add my 2 cents - I have a friend sort of in your situation, only a few years down the road.  She's got 3 kids and is currently divorced.  She and her ex share custody, but they both still meet to discuss a balance in finances, particularly when it comes to child care.

As others have stated, you both really do need to take time to sit down and plan out your finances.  Come up with a multi-year plan that both of you can agree upon.  Know that both of you will probably need to make some compromises to make it work.  Money issues are one of those top reasons couples break up, so it's not a discussion to take lightly.

Given what both of you would like to do, there are the many factors to consider in the different options available.  Discuss the option of you working full time - if you do, there is the child care to consider.  Would you be able to find a job that when you deduct the cost of child care, you come out ahead?  My friend and her ex decided it was in their best interest for her to stay home until the kids were in school - mostly because the cost of child care was more than what she would make working full time.  Didn't make sense financially.

For him going to school - perhaps doing night classes or online classes part-time (one or two classes) could be an option.  If he had not taken any classes, and I'd recommend taking the general breadth requirement classes - the ones that could easily transfer anywhere - to get them out of the way in the short term.

Think about how the situation may change once the kids are in school.  Perhaps you can then take-up a full time job at that point, or a second part-time job.  This is where my friend is at now - her kids are going to school full days starting this fall and she's already gotten herself a job lined up (plus she also runs her own part time massage business out of her home that she plans to increase her client list there too for extra income).

Hopefully both you and your fiance can identify all these variables and timing issues to arrive at a compromise you both can agree to.  You should probably have this conversation sooner than later so feelings/attitudes don't brood for too long.  Perhaps plan to have someone watch the kids while you both had this discussion/these discussions - so you are not interrupted and can really focus on the solution that's right for you.

Good luck!

[lucky382001]

Wow hard question. Looks like you and your man will have a lot of talking to do to come to an agreement on this. Maybe you two can find a compromise after taking all things into consideration.  Both sides are valid ones.

Kids are a very important investment for the future. Money helps us do what we need and want to. I worked while my kids were young and hated the things I missed like the first steps and all tho now it could be recorded. Sometimes it is the kids who end up making the biggest sacrifices so maybe whatever you decide you should review after a while to see that it is working for all.

[sammywantsya]

if your fiance wants you to get a full time job explain to him about the situation.... to be honest with you i just skimmed through it because its just damn long to read lol so hopefully you find my answer somewhat good.

why dont you and your fiance do some network marketing job type and a part time job so that way its easier on the both of you. it will lay off the stress off each other ya know so try to be more assertive on the subject. i know that prob online job is bunch of hype and BS but there are some thats legit and its pretty working out good for me. i only use this site as my chunk change for food and other stuff i need to get.. but yeah hopefully it will work out for the both of you...

[JediJohnnie]

Well,for my 2 cents,I say your kids are only little once.They need you at this age.Before you know it they'll be in school,plenty of time to work then.

[BK_Adores_Chase]

I like the suggestion of sitting down and planning out a multi-year financial plan.  Wonderful!

[lannl]

I agree that spending time with the kids is most important. I always call for free mini psychic readings for advice in difficult situations.

[mintopewku]

I also think it is important to look at the details of him going back to school.  Will it even give him an advantage in his field?  and I would assume he is going to work thru school (at least part time).  Might check out the advantage of him going part time to school...or the weekend degrees.  It would def be time for a while.  But I think it's wise that you are working out the math and trying to see what truly equals out.

[lucky382001]

Well,for my 2 cents,I say your kids are only little once.They need you at this age.Before you know it they'll be in school,plenty of time to work then.

True but they need you even more when they become teenagers. And adults too

[littlejefe]

good for you          my wife only work until her 6 month  pregnancy  now we been together for 13 years and I'm still Working to make ends meet and where happy with that as long as we have a roof over our head and bills paid where good

[loulizlee]

BK, I have read some of your posts in the last couple of months.  I think I see a trend.  I'm sorry to say this, but are you sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?  It seems there is more going on in this relationship than your getting a full-time job from other posts I have read.  Maybe you should give this a lot of thought.  At the VERY least, you two need to talk.....

[cody0608]

If I was you I would show him how much daycare will cost for your two kids.  I have one 15 month old son who I stay home with.  Before he was born I was a preschool teacher at a daycare.  Even with the discount they would give me I would only be making a few dollars an hour.  You also have to factor in the time you might have to take off if they get sick & you need to stay home with them.  At my daycare you pay for childcare even if the child misses a day.  We struggle, but I coupon and try to find ways to cut costs & it has been working for us so far.   

[abdyer2001]

I would say your fiance does not sound like a fan of the arrangement. he probably feels as though he his carrying the financial burden. and would like some help.. the kids are a good excuse, but dont use it for too long. it might land you by yourself..