Any Future In-Law Advice for my daughter?

[gaylasue]

I received a call at 11:30 last night from my distraught daughter.  Apparently her future mother-in-law just revealed to her son that she doesn't like my daughter and she thinks my daughter is a bad influence on her daughter.  She says she doesn't want to have anything to do with her son as long as he is with my daughter.  My daughter comes from a good loving home and has had morals and values instiiled in her beginning at an early age.  This lady has had a very tramatic life and is a little unbalanced mentally.  She has had three failed marriages and keeps going back to an abusive relationship.  She seemed to think the world of my daughter until my daughter completed college and got an excellent teaching position.  Her attitude towards my daughter changed completely after that.  I'm think she is jealous for whatever reason.  I told my daughter to politely let her fiance's mother know that she doesn't need that woman in her life, that she has a wonderful mother, a great dad, two fabulous grandmothers, a fantastic great-grandmother, and many aunts, uncles and cousins to love, and a terrific career in her life.  The only people she is really hurting are the ones that should mean the most to her - her son and her daughter.  That was the best advice I could come up with other than allowing me to ask this lady face-to-face about the problem she has created with my daughter to make her miserable.  My life has been dedicated to my daughter's happiness so I take it personally when others infringe on that well being.

Do you have any advice or words of wisdom?  I have always gotten along great with my mother-in-law since she always took my side so I'm new to this dilema.

[dreamyxo]

That's too bad.  How does her fiance feel about the situation?  Is he a mama's boy and seems to take his mother's side?  I don't know what the point of him telling her this because he knew it would upset her and it did.  Do you have a good relationship with your future son in law?  His actions are the key to how the situation will be played out.  If he is going to be forced to choose between his mother and his future wife how is he going to handle it?  Is he strong enough to stand up to his mother and protect his future wife or is he the kind to let his mother dominate?   

I would have a casual talk with son in law to get a feel about what he's going to to.  I would just advise your daughter to always take the high road, kill her with kindness and treat her with the utmost respect even when it seems impossible.  In the end mother in law's hatred can't be justified if daughter doesn't stoop her her level. 

[gaylasue]

That's too bad.  How does her fiance feel about the situation?  Is he a mama's boy and seems to take his mother's side?  I don't know what the point of him telling her this because he knew it would upset her and it did.  Do you have a good relationship with your future son in law?  His actions are the key to how the situation will be played out.  If he is going to be forced to choose between his mother and his future wife how is he going to handle it?  Is he strong enough to stand up to his mother and protect his future wife or is he the kind to let his mother dominate?   

I would have a casual talk with son in law to get a feel about what he's going to to.  I would just advise your daughter to always take the high road, kill her with kindness and treat her with the utmost respect even when it seems impossible.  In the end mother in law's hatred can't be justified if daughter doesn't stoop her her level. 

He is very upset over this.  He has no explanation for his mother's actions other than to agree with me, that she is jealous.  My husband and I have done everything possible to make my daughter's life easier than ours were.  We have provided them with money, food, (new) vehicles, advice, comfort and plenty of love.  My daughter has always be in support of her fiance and his family.  What is breaking her heart the most is how his heart has been broken by this.  He has asked us to not hold the actions of his mother against him which is something I would never do.  We think very much of this young man and support our daughter's decision to make a life with him.

Thank you for your advice.

[MudValley]

I know my mother-in-law and I used to always butt heads on different things, and my husband always took her side. It caused a lot of problems for us. Finally her and I had a loooooooooong talk(with some yelling and crying), and things have been very good since then. It helped that my husband finally opened his eyes and saw that I wasn't always wrong nor was I picking on his mother. Turns out, she was concerned about "losing" her son, and didn't realize how overbearing she was being.

Could be that your daughter's mother-in-law is having issues with "losing" her son, and forgets about the wonderful woman that is being added to the family. How much of the problem started AFTER they got engaged?

[tzs]

Get together both families in one room, Tell your daughter and her man to let both sides know what their intentions are as far as getting married and future plans and let them know that those plans will never change. Then, tell the family to discuss what the problems are between the future in-law, and your daughter. Once that is through, your daugter and her fiance( especially him, he needs to step up, and get some cajones as far as his mother is concerned) need to let people know to Get OVER IT!!! Life is too short to go through the family feud bs. Also, her fiancee should be letting his mother know not to disrespect him, the one he loves, OR his woman's family by badmouthing them.  If his intent to mary your daughter is truthfull, and he loves her,  then he should have no problem tellin' his momma off!!!!!!

Thats my advice, and it worked for me. Face to Face comfrontation gets the truth out. Good luck, and I hope that you and your daughter can make it through this!

[dhagerman]

 :wave:I believe you gave her some real good advice, and you see the fact that she is only hurting her own children. Some people just cant let their kids grow up and be their own person with their own lives. It's sad that some Mothers just cant let go.

[noirlupe]

On the day we got married my husband called his mother, I had never met her because she was never around when I was.  I heard her yelling to him on the phone about making the biggest mistake of his life, because she didnt know me.  He told her you dont have to like her, you dont have to know her, she is who I want to spend the rest of my life with and that is all that matters.  He had been a confirmed bachelor for 49 years.  We got married in August and by December she was telling me she loved me.  So sometimes if the fiance or husband takes a stand it works out.

[dreamyxo]

losing" her son, and didn't realize how overbearing she was being.

This is what I was thinking as well.  Her jealousy is because she is feeling like she is losing him.  Now your daughter is replacing her as the woman in his life.  How your daughter is going to overcome that I don't know.  I do think her son needs to be firm with his mother to let her know what will and won't be tolerated from her behavior.

[freepcmoney]

On the day we got married my husband called his mother, I had never met her because she was never around when I was.  I heard her yelling to him on the phone about making the biggest mistake of his life, because she didnt know me.  He told her you dont have to like her, you dont have to know her, she is who I want to spend the rest of my life with and that is all that matters.  He had been a confirmed bachelor for 49 years.  We got married in August and by December she was telling me she loved me.  So sometimes if the fiance or husband takes a stand it works out.

How wonderful----PLEASE-----tell your husband that he is MY HERO!!